[Abyss]

Green eyes looked up to the sky. Any sunlight that may have came down was sheltered behind light gray clouds, resulting in a cooler temperature throughout the day. Thank goodness.

As a dark figure entered the Lightningclan camp, two rabbits dangling from their jaws, the camp was silent. There may have been other cats engaging in conversation or discussing patrols, yet in her mind, it was still quiet.

The lanky she-cat dropped her two catches in the fresh kill pile, though remained where she was for a few moments, staring down at the prey in front of her. It never normally would happen, but as of lately, she found herself getting lost in her thoughts quite often.

She recalled multiple things that had happened somewhat recently. First, the relationship that had started to develop between her and Mudpelt. She had been so hopeful...she thought they had gotten along well. They had hunted together, he had went on a few training sessions with her and Thistlepaw when she still had her Apprentice. She had defended him from the judging words of their clanmates. She couldn’t deny that she had gained a crush on him quickly, and she thought that he felt the same. But then she had to go and mess it up. How was it that the code was what usually kept the clans together, yet it was what had drove she and her love interest apart?

And then Panthercall...how had it even come to what it did? What had they even been, if anything? They only had that one encounter, in which she learned more about him. He had seemed so interesting at first, so lost in his own little world. She thought that they had gotten along at first as well. But then the topic of his family and his relationship with the rest of the clan came up. Just as it had happened with Mudpelt, she found that her own words on these subjects were what drove away the cats she wished to grow closer with.

Was it how she talked? Was it her opinions? Was it just her? She let out a sigh, long tail hanging motionless behind her. Body turning and eyes closing, she found that she couldn’t escape the trap that was her own thoughts.

She was an affectionate she-cat. She loved kits. She wanted to have her own family. She wanted a mate that she could love and cherish with her heart. A cat that she could bring into her life and add to her already small family. Someone she could depend on and be beside when she needed a shoulder to rest on. It wasn’t like she couldn’t depend on any of her clanmates. But having a mate was...different. Of course, she didn’t know what it was like. She only knew what she saw and had heard from her mother. She and her father had been such a good couple, so loving and caring for each other and for the kits that they produced. When they were feeling down or had a bad day, they would make each other happy. When they needed help and felt like they couldn’t accomplish something, they got advice and help from one another.

That was what she wanted. Just like any cat, Batear had her bad days. There were days when she just wanted to curl up in her nest with someone. She wanted to lay her head against another cat’s and allow her worries and fears to fade away. Perhaps she could do that with any cat. Or maybe she could do so with her mother. But it wasn’t the same. She knew it wouldn’t be.

As one of her black paws hit something, she was pulled from her thoughts. As her head raised, she found herself in the entrance to the Medicine Cat den, her paws right at the edge of one of the nests. Her gaze lifted to see another cat towards the back of the den, Kindleflare judging by the scent. She found herself curious for a moment when she didn’t see Tigereye, but he must have been out gathering herbs.

She was reluctant to do so, but she slowly took a step into the nest she stood next to, bending her legs and laying down in the nest. She wasn’t sick, nor did she need any herbs. She just wanted some time to lay down in silence. She laid her chin on the edge of the nest, bright green eyes merely watching as Kindleflare sorted through her herbs. It may have seemed strange, but she found it comfortingly distracting to watch as the Medicine Cat worked. It was better to wonder what kind of herbs she was moving around rather than wonder what was wrong with yourself.

One is the loneliest number.

WARRIOR |LIGHTNINGCLAN

BlooRey DVD / 799

[BlooRey DVD]

"Some people see scars, and it is wounding they remember.
To me they are proof of the fact that there is healing.”

KIndleFlare

In the dim light of the medicine cat den, the ginger and white LightningClan healer sorted comfortably through her store of herbs. Her apprentice had gone out on his own to do a Leaf-fall gathering of herbs in preparation of Leafbare. It was always a smart idea to be certain of what they had and did not have before the colder moons settled in. The earlier they reviewed their stocks, the sooner they could patch any holes before the biting cold of the darker moons caused the delicate stems of the herbs to freeze over and die out.

She was vaguely aware of paw steps outside. She expected someone to enter and quietly garner her attention, yet all that followed was silence. Wondering briefly if she'd imagined the approach, the gentle medicine cat's ginger ear tilted idly as she continued to hum softly to herself while she worked. Eventually, a soft rustle drew her attention, and she glanced over her shoulder to see a Clanmate curled up in one of the nests. Her ears perked up sharply, momentary worry crossing her feature until she better read the features of the she-cat in question. Something told her this was not a physical wound.

Pausing briefly to pull familiar white-flowered chamomile from her stores, the lithe ginger she-cat padded her way to Batear. Wordlessly, she bent to put the herb before the dark-coated she-cat, nudging it slightly to indicate the warrioress should take it. Settling into the nest in front of the newly occupied one, Kindleflare mewed gently. "To h-help ease a t-troubled mind. It's n-nothing more th-than ch-chamomile, b-but you'll f-find it h-helps you r-relax." A ginger striped tail draped over her paws as she settled herself into the nest, bending her neck slightly to rasp her tongue over her chest fur to flatten it.

"N-No n-need to d-dodge ar-roudn it." She continued gently. "I c-can see the t-turbulence in your e-eyes. I w-will n-not pry, b-but know I a-am here if y-you wish to sh-share your b-burden." Dark amber eyes glimmered in silent support as she tilted her ears back to project a more relaxed image. Regardless of whether or not Batear decided to share what was on her mind, Kindleflare was content to just... Be. Not everything needed to be actively sought. Sometimes, the best medicine was nothing more than being there. And for Kindleflare, her desire to be there for others surpassed that of her title or role.

She wanted nothing more than to see those around her thrive.

Medicine Cat of LightningClan

73 moons. ~420 words. Abyss Fawn

[Abyss]

She was unclear when it happened, but her eyes had slowly drifted from watching Kindleflare work to staring at the wall of the den. Her back slowly rose and fell with her chest, tail brushing against her own side. She hardly noticed when a somewhat blurry orange and white figure made its way into her vision. As she pulled herself from her thoughtless mind, bright green eyes found the Medicine Cat in front of her, nudging an herb towards her with her muzzle.

She momentarily looked to the tabby she-cat, listening to her words silently. While Kindleflare settled into the nest that was opposite of the one she occupied, her eyes found the white flower once more, staring at it for a short amount of time. She looked over the petals, the bright yellow center, the short stem that came from behind. Wordlessly, she shifted her head, grabbing the petals gently with her fangs and pulling it into the nest with her. She slowly took the flower into her jaws, chewing on it, though hardly tasting anything. Perhaps her senses were just a bit thrown off, or she wasn’t paying attention enough to notice any sort of bitterness.

The black she-cat swallowed the herb, her chin once more resting on the side of the nest. Her eyes went back and forth between the ground and her current company, unsure of where to look. In truth, she didn’t know what to say. Or how to say it. Even though the words that Kindle spoke were comforting, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t want to shove all of her love issues in the Medicine Cat’s face, but she also wanted someone to talk to. Someone that could help her see better. See what it really was that she needed or wanted. She knew what she wanted, in a way. But it was that want, that desire, that had brought her to this state in the first place.

Was that her problem? Was she too focused on trying to find love? Perhaps. But...it was hard to accept, or really consider. She didn’t focus solely on trying to find a mate for herself. She thought of her clan first, and her duties done for them. Yet there was always that thought in the back of her mind. That curiosity of how she felt about certain cats. What it would be like if she did become mates with different clanmates. Why was it that she did this?

She laid in silence for a little bit, lost in her own mind. The quiet of the den, the darkness, the knowledge that she wasn’t alone, even though it felt like she was. It seemed to calm her, at least a little bit. Or maybe it was the flower. She wasn’t sure. But this feeling of comfort, after experiencing it for a brief period of time, was what allowed words to fall. Words that she didn’t fully have control of, even as they came.

“Kindleflare…..do you ever feel…..not good enough? Like...you think you are doing fine. You think you are trying your best. And yet...you don’t feel like it is enough? Or...you put effort into something you think matters...when it really doesn’t?”

Bright green eyes fell on the Medicine Cat, an expression of both confusion and what appeared to be sadness crossing her features. She wasn’t sure what to think.

A feeling had, in fact, crossed her mind at one point. It was a thought that she didn’t want to see herself as. Yet, as she sat here in the Medicine Cat den, reliving her failed attempts at finding a mate, she felt it more than ever.

Desperation. It ate away at her. She was a Warrior. She was, not too long ago, a mentor. She was a sister. She was a daughter. She was a member of Lightningclan. All of those things were amazing things to be. All of them were worth credit for herself. But despite being all of those things, there were two things that she wasn’t, and it was those things that had brought her to be in the state that she was. She wasn’t a mate. And she wasn’t a mother.

How long had she had these desires in her mind? The desire to have someone to love? The desire to have a family? To have kits of her own that she could raise to be amazing Warriors? The desire to be someone’s?

One is the loneliest number.

WARRIOR |LIGHTNINGCLAN

BlooRey DVD / 749

[BlooRey DVD]

"Some people see scars, and it is wounding they remember.
To me they are proof of the fact that there is healing.”

KIndleFlare

A knowing smile, tinged with a hint of sorrow crossed the gentle healer's features. For a moment, she busied herself with adjusting some stray fur on her left foreleg. So she was right about Batear. Something had been bothering her, and that something happened to be a condition so very common among the generations. She herself had gone through these feelings, she had watched Tigereye fight through a similar scenario. And it would seem warriors were just as prone to it as the gentler cats like she and her apprentice.

She understood: not everyone could be like her brother.

A striped tail reached around to tap the dark pelted she-cat softly on the shoulder. "M-More days th-than you've lived i-in your l-life time, B-Batear." She stammered warmly, her dark amber eyes soft as she gazed upon the slightly younger she-cat. "I've h-had to w-walk in the p-pawsteps of... Of a g-great family. I l-looked at my p-parents, m-my father especially, a-and saw only strength. B-But in my h-heart, I f-felt only fear. I h-have walked s-side by s-side with Nightstep, one o-of LightningC-Clan's greatest w-warriors, or s-so I'm t-told. A-And as I s-stumbled through m-my apprenticeship, a-all I s-saw w-was Nightstep e-excelling."

The ginger tabby lowered her head so that it lay on the nest's edge much like Batear. "When I w-was f-finally given m-my name, and I s-stood as a w-warrior... I f-felt my h-heart sink t-to the pit of m-my stomach. And a-all I could think was h-how c-could I e-ever face an enemy i-in battle? How c-could I e-ever be strong?" White paws flexed as she readjusted herself slightly. "I-It took m-me... A l-long time to r-realize a-and accept that I w-would n-never be strong, a-at least... N-Not in the w-way I had b-been envisioning it th-then. And th-that's okay."

Another small smile. "B-But I c-can't i-imagine y-you are a-also s-scared of any p-possibility o-of c-confrontation. Wh-What is w-weighing so h-heavily upon y-your soul, B-Batear?" She purred comfortingly, waiting for the warrioress to open up to her.

Medicine Cat of LightningClan

73 moons. ~350 words. Abyss

[Abyss]

Though she felt the gentle touch of the Medicine Cat’s tail and heard her first words, she couldn’t bring her gaze up to meet Kindleflare’s. A slightly dull green gaze merely looked to the ground as the orange tabby began to speak. As she listened to what the she-cat said, she found herself almost relating to the feeling. Her family had been comprised of multiple talented cats, her father and both of her siblings included. She, during her own Apprenticeship, had faced her own hardships that weren’t quite the same as what Kindleflare described, though. She didn’t feel fear or threatened by seeing her siblings or any of the other Apprentices excelling. She had felt fear because of her assigned mentor, before she had been reassigned to her own father.

The other she-cat continued, saying how she hadn’t felt right becoming a Warrior, but that she accepted that she wasn’t like the others she had trained alongside. Briefly, the dark she-cat’s gaze went to her companion’s. She hadn’t ever realized what life had been like for the sweet Medicine Cat, and hearing her talk about it sent a pang of sympathy through her

It was when Kindleflare asked what it was that was troubling her that her eyes parted from the white and orange tabby’s, once again meeting the ground. How did she even say it? She had taken a very simple problem and turned it into more than it really was.

Currently, she felt lost. She felt like everything she tried was wrong. She felt like being herself was what had brought her to be this way. And all of these feelings had spawned because of her inability to get a mate.

She sounded like an attention-seeking Apprentice. ‘No toms want to be with me! No matter how hard I try nobody likes me! I’ll never be good enough! Nobody loves me!’

These thoughts alone prevented her from saying her problems to Kindleflare right away. What would she even think? Would she say that she sounds like an Apprentice? Or that she sounds desperate? Or even that she was just being childish and needed to get over it?

The black she-cat lightly shook her head. “It...it is something so unimportant, so trivial...and I’ve taken it as more than it really is…”

Her eyes gently darted back and forth between both of her paws, trying to think of the words she was looking for. Did she make it short and hope that Kindleflare could understand, or did she just tell her everything? While she leaned towards keeping it short, Kindle was a Medicine Cat. While her job primarily consisted of herbs, wounds, and illnesses, they were more than that. They were kind of like therapists as well, even though not all of them were necessarily as open to such discussions.

She released a sigh, eyes still locked on her own paws.

“I’ve...I’ve always wanted to have a family. I love kits. I love affection. I’ve had the same dream so many times before…..a dream where I get to have and raise my own kits, and watch them become amazing members of Lightningclan with my mate by my side. I’ve watched Queens with loving mates give birth to kits. I’ve watched those kits be raised, and become Apprentices, and eventually become Warriors. While I feel proud of all of the young cats who do those things, as I’m sure the rest of the clan does, it isn’t the same.” Her eyes narrowed. “Those aren’t my kits. They aren’t mine to be proud of. All I can do is wish that I was able to look at some newly appointed Apprentices and Warriors like the Queens do.”

She caught her own breath, realizing that she was slowly leaving what this was really about. She remained silent for a moment.

“I thought I had found someone...a tom that I felt a connection with...someone that I could be close to and possibly start a family with. We got along so well in the beginning. I really thought that there was something there. But then…” She recalled the conversation that she and Mudpelt had in the past, back when they still actually spoke. It had been about the Warrior Code, and what it really meant to them. It had been a simple conversation. But then she took it too far. She looked too far into his answers, and presented him with questions that not only tested his loyalty to the code, but also his loyalty to his own family. She hadn’t done it on purpose. It had just been a moment of realization. A moment for her to really discover how Mudpelt’s mind worked. And it was her wish to discover this, and how she had done so, that had separated him.

“Then I had to go and mess it all up...” Even when she did allow the dark brown tom to leave her mind, it then switched to another, a particular pure black tom. “And then...there was even another. We didn’t have as much of a connection, nor did we interact as much. But...I thought that something could happen. I thought that maybe, if I got to know him better, I could try to make things better for him. I thought that I could bring him closer to the clan than he is now.”

She sighed, looking out of the den and into the distance. “But even that attempt, as good-intentioned as it was, ended up failing quickly. All because I had to shove my opinions that he didn’t want or like in his face...”

She fell into silence once more. Saying it out loud, she almost forgot that she was talking to someone other than herself. But it also put into perspective what she believed the problem really was. Her way of talking and putting her thoughts into others’ situations. But...was that really it?

“Kindleflare...am I foolish for feeling like this? For thinking this much into something so nonessential as finding a mate?” Her head finally turned, sad and slightly pained eyes locking with the Medicine Cat’s. She didn’t truly want to hear the answer, but maybe it would set her straight. Maybe Kindleflare could get her out of her current state.

One is the loneliest number.

WARRIOR |LIGHTNINGCLAN

BlooRey DVD / 1049 (Sorry xD)