Post by Abyss on Jul 27, 2022 16:00:59 GMT -5
[googlefont="Nunito"]1269 | Amber | Notes
You would think that with as much exhaustion as his body had endured recently that sleep would come easily. That he would be able to curl himself up within his newly-moved nest, close his eye, and just drift away into deep sleep. But, in the moons since the earthquake, sleep hadn’t come easily to him anyway. Nightmares of watching his clanmates falling into the rift that shook and grew within the valley. The imaginary scenarios of seeing his clanmates, and even the cats of the other clans, huddled together with thin and malnourished bodies, in mourning for their loved ones while also suffering from their own ailments. On rare occasions a pleasant dream would reach him, like a mashed-up version of all of his Apprentices’ ceremonies. Whitecry, Tigerblaze, and Wisteriapaw all in one big ceremony, with himself and…well…others too.
But other times he found that he had no dreams or nightmares. You can’t have any when you don’t fall asleep to begin with. And it seemed like this was going to be one of those nights, when his thoughts were too loud for him to relax.
All he did was toss and turn, forcing himself to keep his eye closed under the hope that it would push him into sleep. But it wouldn’t work, and sooner or later he gave up. His large white body laid to the side while his chin rested right-side-up on the edge of his nest, staring ahead at the thick brambles that formed the den.
It had only been two days since he traveled to the Mooncrystal Cavern with Sageheart, Brackenstride, and Orioleflight. He had made that trip as Whitehawk, one of the two Deputies tasked with leading Gorgeclan. And he had returned home as Whitestar, the first official Leader of Gorgeclan. It was still…it was hard to believe. Even after Sageheart’s message informing him that they had asked for him, even after seeing the cavern and meeting personally with Starclan, even after experiencing what it was like to receive the nine lives of a Leader…he still couldn’t believe it. It had never been his goal in life to become a Leader, but here he was.
He was grateful for the position, he was honored to have been picked for it, and from the moment he told Ivyflare he was ready to begin the ceremony he knew that he would dedicate everything he had into the clan. He would lead them, he would be there for them, he would make sure that they thrived no matter what happened to them. He would bring them together.
But…at the same time…it was very different than what he had expected. Granted, he had never really considered what the life of a Leader was like, so he didn’t really know what to expect. All he had to base his thoughts off of was what he had seen most of his life: other Leaders. Hawkstar. Smokestar. Birdstar. All of them were different in their own ways. But, out of all of them, he found himself thinking to Birdstar the most, for he had been different than the other two in his own way. He had many things that he did in his own way, but the most prominent thought was one thing in particular that he did: he slept in the Warriors den. Even after he became a Leader, he chose to sleep with the Warriors, never sleeping in what was meant to be the Leader’s Den.
Even though during his ceremony Hawkstar himself had instructed White to never compare himself to other Leaders, he couldn’t help it, especially in this scenario when the thought was so relevant. Should he continue to sleep with the Warriors instead of in this den? Would that make everyone feel closer to him? Would that help bring everyone together, showing that he didn’t view himself as higher than any of them? Or should he stay in this den because that was the traditional way? A part of his duty was to bring the clan together, to forge those from different backgrounds into one, to show that they were all equal and that they were all apart of the same clan. The last thing that he wanted was for any of them to think that his position made him see himself as higher, nor did he want to show ANY form of favoritism towards anyone, especially not those originally from Stoneclan. Everything had to be equal. But…was there being a Leader’s den actually equal? Should he differentiate himself from others, as Birdstar had done? Should he try to be unique and break away from tradition? Would Starclan even approve of that?
A sigh fell from his maw, his head lolling to the side. His mind was racing, but, on the bright side, he had managed to push aside some of his typical worries…for now. Ones that had plagued him on a daily basis before.
A part of his mind drifted, thinking back to the ceremony. Last night his mind had been focused in on the ceremony as well, but last night he had been thinking the most about all the things he had physically felt. Tonight he had something else on his mind.
“You care for your Clan as your family and because of that, you could never do anything to harm them." “Don't let your duties and worries make you lose who you are." “A proper Warrior knows that glory and greatness come with time, as does a proper Leader.” “Never let your hope in the goodness of others blind you.” “Anything could happen. And when it does, you must be ready to keep your clan safe." “To serve your clan for as long as possible." “You're a worthy, capable and strong Warrior. You're a dedicated teacher, and you carry with you my hopes for a prosperous future for GorgeClan.” “One is not born a leader; one is formed into one.
All words spoken by those who had given him his lives. All of them had a different life and a different message to give him. And all of them had reached straight through him directly to his chest. He took all of their messages to heart and wanted to use all of them to push forward. Though, as he laid restless alone in his nest, a scent reached his nose, one he presumed was because of his flashbacks. And he found his cheeks growing warm.
"I couldn't have picked a better cat for her."
"Nice catch, man, she's a beauty. I'm sure you'll be a great dad."
His entire face flushed and he shifted, burying his face into the side of his nest. “Damnit Nightpetal.” He whispered, almost hearing the old and playful tom’s laughter in his head. Even a few days later, thinking of both Nightpetal and Wolfclaw’s words made his fur fade into a pink shade. They talked as if me and her are mates! What were they trying to say?! We aren’t mates! We don’t…even…I…she…do…I don’t know…do I…like…-
Pawsteps brought him out of his trance, and the scent from before, the one that he thought had been in his own head, was far stronger. He quickly rolled himself back up and lifted his head, peering with open eyes at the entrance to the den. And there was…
“Orioleflight?” This is literally the worst possible timing! Did Nightpetal do this?! He shook his head rapidly for a moment, wiping a giant paw against his face in the hopes that the intense warmth beneath his fur would go away. He looked back to her, both concerned and nervous.
“Is something wrong?”