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Mockingbird and Berrythorn had each caught the scent of prey and stalked off hunt, but Hemlockpaw didn't care to try his paw at it. While his mother and older brother went after prey, Hemlockpaw padded onward until he reached the mountain border, lost in his own thoughts until the scentline drew him back out. Standing with his toes at the scentline, he stared up at the mountains with wide yellow eyes as the whipped through his short fur. Was his father nearby? Was he watching?

His gaze fell to his paws, I'm sorry I messed up. It’s my fault…. It had been so hard to focus on anything but the weight of his guilt since Ravenstorm died, his training most all. Since you killed her. A shudder went through him and he sat, pulling his tail in close around his body as though it could act as a barrier to shield him from the rest of the world, from the truth. He loved his family more than anything. He never meant to hurt them… but he had broken them. Every time he looked at one of his siblings or his mother, he couldn't help but wonder if his next mistake would kill one of them too.

Maybe he should have left with his father.

He stood once more, took a hesitant step over the border. He could leave now. He was sure if he tried to say goodbye, his mother would stop him. But she wasn't here. She was hunting. If he left now…. A chill rippled down his spine, the sensation of being watched. He turned to see Adderpaw, her familiar gaze trained on him, and he wasn't sure what to say or do. Suddenly it just came out, “I killed her. It was my fault. I knew… I knew it was poisoned and I didn't stop her. It was me….” He turned away from her, head hanging and tail drooping, his voice small, nearly carried away completely by the next gust, “I didn't mean to….”

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Taxx
Newleaf 11 The wind is howling. Grasses and leaves alike toss too and fro as the gales whip violently across the territories

[Taxx]

Adderpaw

"I see things no one else sees."

Quietly, Adderpaw had trailed after three of her kin, only Yewfang and Owlstrike absent. Her mind wasn't exactly on hunting, though, and as Mockingbird and Berrythorn went their own ways, Adderpaw's gaze had fallen on Hemlockpaw's slender gray form and he had been the one she'd followed. Briefly she sidetracked, the strong scent of a mouse catching her attention, but the little prey's track had led to a small hole and she'd turned away.

Her brother was sitting on the border, face turned to the mountains; Adderpaw merely stared as he stood, taking a step over the border; he must have sensed her, though she'd made no noise, and he turned to her. Words tumbled from him as she padded closer. He hadn't moved on yet- Adderpaw had known it, but not quite just how deeply he still felt guilty over Ravenstorm's death. Side by side, green eyes fixed on his, the tortoiseshell held her silence a moment longer.

"I don't blame you." As blunt as usual, and yet honesty she reserved for just a few. "You wouldn't have done it on your own. Magpiewing encouraged you, didn't he? I saw you two together before you picked up the mouse. It was your curiosity, but his idea to do it. And nobody made Ravenstorm eat it; that was her idea." There were other ways she could have proved the mouse poisoned than going right to eating it. And she was supposed to be bright? It had been the most mouse-brained thing Adderpaw had ever seen a cat do.

She spoke blandly, with no force behind her words to try to encourage Hemlockpaw to see the truth in them, or with irritation for her father's poorly thought-out nudging of Hemlockpaw's experiment or distaste at Ravenstorm's stupidity. Her brother would believe her or not, be grateful or not; it was his choice and she'd accept whichever he decided on. She did hope he'd let go of his guilt, because it truly did bother her to see him so upset, but she wasn't sure how to make it better when the reason behind his misery could not be undone.

"Do you want to leave?" Would that be the only thing that helped- getting away from the place where it had happened?

@zen || Notes

[Deleted]

Hemlockpaw’s tail flicked back and forth uncertainly as Adderpaw spoke. Her support meant a lot. As afraid as he was of his family turning on him for what he’d done… somehow he couldn’t see Adderpaw ever doing so. She wasn’t ruled by her emotions like he was. He understood that much about her. He wished he could be more like her, then maybe he could stop feeling so horrible. Of course she had seen him and Magpiewing together right before it happened. It seemed like Adderpaw saw everything at times. She was a lot like their father that way. They both liked to watch, to observe.

“He did…,” he replied quietly, tail still flicking, “But I…. I really wanted to. I wanted to see what it did. And… and when….” He swallowed hard before continuing, remembering his own morbid fascination as his sister lay convulsing, dying. He had felt only the satisfaction and excitement of his curiosity sated… until she had stilled and the reality sank in. He trembled, his voice barely above a whisper, “I liked watching her die, Adderpaw….” It wasn’t exactly that, he had liked watching the effects of the poison, not the fact that she was dying, but at the moment he couldn’t quite figure out how to express that accurately. And did it really matter? He had found satisfaction in his sister’s suffering.

“I… I’m really horrible,” he murmured, staring out at the mountains again and considering his sister’s question, “How can I stay here? I should have just gone with Magpiewing….” He turned sad eyes her way, “I don’t… I don’t want to hurt you, or Berrythorn, or Yewfang, or….” His gaze fell to his paws, “I’m scared of myself, Adderpaw.... I don't know what to do.”

---

Taxx

[Taxx]

Adderpaw

"I see things no one else sees."

Hemlockpaw talked, Adderpaw listened. She took in each word, heard them and saw the feeling behind them, and waited until her brother had finished, leaning a bit closer so she didn't miss a word. Then she turned her gaze away, watched the trees thrash in the wind, felt it gust against her, flattening her ginger-flecked pelt against her side. And she thought.

She considered each word, replayed them, mulled over her response. She had no intention of coddling him, mewing sweet words in hopes that he would believe her and forget that he had done what he'd done. She'd already pointed out that he had not made Ravenshade eat the mouse, but that was not where his anguish had settled- it was in that as she lay dying, he'd stood there, watched, and felt fascination for each toll the poison took on their sister.

Part of her wondered if it was because it'd been Ravenstorm. Would he feel this badly if Gorsetail had taken the mouse as planned? She'd noticed he'd only mentioned family members in his wish to not harm others, so perhaps that was it. She knew he was far closer to their kin, even Berrythorn, for all the older tom's lack of sense or self-preservation.

"No," she replied. "You didn't. If you had, you would not feel this guilt. If you had liked watching her die, we would not be here now." That much she knew for certain, and she turned to gaze at her brother as she spoke. "Am I horrible? I don't miss her. I don't even miss Magpiewing, for all the time we spent together. I thought I would, when he asked how I would feel if he died. He told me then, when I was newly apprenticed, that he didn't love me, and I told him that I did not love him. And I only felt glad, that he was being truthful."

She glanced toward the mountains again. "If you want to go, then we go. Nothing can make us stay, brother. You wouldn't do anything to hurt me. I doubt you could," she added, and flicked her tail against his shoulder. "But if you get those urges- to try something, then know you can always talk to me about them. I'll look out for you. I promise."

@zen || Notes

[Deleted]

His sister’s cold logic was comforting in its own way. Her judgment unclouded by emotion, she stated only what she had concluded as fact. She was not the placating sort, saying things only because she thought he wanted to hear them or she thought they would make him feel better. She did not feel things the same way he did, if she felt at all. She was at least good at pretending she did, when she wanted to. She liked to play games in a similar manner to their father. For all he knew, half his interactions with her could have been part of some game or another, but when it came to his family he didn’t mind.

He shook his head as she asked if she was horrible. Not to him, she wasn’t. But there was little wrong his family could do that Hemlockpaw would judge them for. They were different, their family. Different from most cats. He understood that. It also meant they were the only ones he felt comfortable being himself around. He wanted to fit in. He wanted friendship, some day a mate and kits of his own. But he was different and he feared he would never be able to find any of that in TreeClan. Not unless he wanted to go on hiding who he really was forever, like his father had done. He really didn’t want to live that way, but neither did he want to leave his family.

“If you want to go, then we go.”

His eyes widened in surprise at her. If he left, she would go with him? Her acceptance and support meant everything right now and he turned to push his nose into her fur, grateful. They could leave right now. Adderpaw would go with him. He closed his eyes tightly as he considered that course of action. Could he leave the rest of his family behind? Mockingbird had already lost kit because of him, could he really take more from his mother? His ears flicked as he pulled back, his gaze shifting toward the direction their mother had gone on her hunt.

No. If they did leave right now, he was sure Mockingbird would come after them. She was probably on her way back now. They wouldn’t get far before she found them and he was certain he would never be able to keep walking away from her if she did. He glanced over the border once more, uncertain. “I… I’m not sure,” he turned back to his sister, as if he might find the answer on her face, “Do you want to leave? What about Yewfang, and Mockingbird?” And the rest of their family for that matter. She had said she didn't miss Ravenstorm. She and Magpiewing had seemed close, had spent a lot of time together, and yet she had said she didn't miss him either. Did she not really care about any of their family? And if that was the case, why did she care to run off with him?

Taxx

[Taxx]

Adderpaw

"I see things no one else sees."

Hemlockpaw's eyes widened at her words, his expression of surprise a clear indication that he had not expected such a statement. Adderpaw gazed back, watching as he leaned closer to press his nose to her shoulder; then she faced the mountains again. It was his choice if he wanted to go, Adderpaw wasn't going to egg him on to such a decision. She simply sat, eyes on the peaks in the distance but with an ear swiveled toward her brother as she waited for his reply.

"I'm not sure," he began, and she returned her full attention to him as he asked the same question of her. Did she want to leave? In all honesty, she didn't care one way or the other. Typical of her, perhaps, and she offered a shrug. "I will follow if you go," she replied. "I suppose it could be interesting to see what's beyond TreeClan's borders." And it wasn't like she was finding much interest in even trying to be what TreeClan expected of her. Life outside of the borders might be much more- enjoyable.

"Our mother, our siblings, they don't need us. Even if we go Mockingbird will still have Yewfang, Owlstrike, and Berrythorn to look after." Would their mother try to stop them, or go after them? Adderpaw had seen her interactions with Lionstar and it didn't seem like she had any sort of loyalty to him or TreeClan, but she was still a Clan cat. When Berrythorn had disappeared as an apprentice, Mockingbird had stayed with TreeClan rather than scouring the valley for him. Why should she and Hemlockpaw be any different? "We don't have to decide now," she added, gaze turning over her shoulder as Berrythorn reappeared, a lean rabbit grasped in his jaws. "Think it over. Let me know. I'll be with you no matter what you decide, Hemlockpaw."

@zen || Notes