[Deleted]

Smokefur knew the recent death of Sootfeather weighed heavily on Shadowchaser, and the implications of the event had invaded his once clear mind. The reality was sinking in for the young tom that death was a part of his trade and it would never get easier, rather he would become better suited to manage his feelings. Smokefur had done her best to keep Shadowchasers paws moving whilst he was awake as idle time could have spelled doom for his psyche. To that end the pair found themselves wandering the shady territory they called home in search of the supplies they used to try and prevent the type of casualty they were reeling from. The hunt hadn't been much in the way for lucrative at that point and the trek was best described as uneventful. That changed in an instant however as Smokefur was attacked by a root hiding in the brush she had been forcing her way through. Rotating through the air Smokefurs' tail occupied the location previously held by her head before ending up flat on her back with her legs still frantically churning through the air. "Shadowchaser... I've fallen."

Word Count: 191

Tags: Fawn

Notes:

[Fawn]

curiosity is not a sin...

...but we should exercise caution with our curiosity

Shadowchaser

It was so difficult for him to pass by the nursery, these days. When he heard the soft mewls of the late Sootfeather's litter, his breath would vanish, throat tightening with all the pent up remorse and guilt he didn't know how to let out. He felt responsible. They had lost their birth mother, and no one had yet come forward to claim them as their sire. Shadowchaser's mood could be described as 'dreary' for the following days, though he maintained his efficiency and politeness.

Smokefur's sudden tumble - a comical flip over a root that ended with the older healer on her back like a stranded turtle - yanked him from his brooding. Shadowchaser nimbly set down the blackberry leaves, a soft, exhaled laugh leaving his maw. "So you have. I'll help you," the slim-bodied tom crouched beside her, the dry nettles and grass taking his weight as he attempted to push Smokefur back onto her paws - or at least to a position where she could get to her paws.

She hadn't given off the impression of being hurt or in any kind of discomfort, but it was as Shadowchaser was pushing her over that it occurred to him he hadn't even asked. "I'm sorry for being so distracted. You're not hurt, are you?" He spoke gently, though with some strain because of the effort he was exerting.

medicine cat of nightclan

@poptart | jk rowling | background image | table by phoenix

[Deleted]

Shadowchaser was quick to come to Smokefurs' assistance, and with his help she found herself rolled back over onto her belly as she was questioned about any potential injuries. "I think I'm fine, my home has just betrayed me is all." Smokefur replied with a bit of dry humor. It was apparent by the toms chuckle that she wasn't the only one to find the situation slightly comical, and it was convenient that her accidental tumble had gotten diverted Shadowchasers' attention from the less than pleasant thoughts that had been consuming his mind. Smokefur positioned her paws beneath her frame and after a grunt from the exertion found herself upright and on her paws once more, after a quick check it didn't appear that she had sustained any injuries from her fall. "Even if you hadn't been distracted I am not sure you could have done anything about that." Smokefur said as she gave her head a little shake. "I didn't know my old bones had any of that left in them."

Word Count: 172

Tags: Fawn

Notes:

[Fawn]

curiosity is not a sin...

...but we should exercise caution with our curiosity

Shadowchaser

"You're not that old," Shadowchaser loyally replied, waiting for her to resume their walk so he could keep pace at his mentor's side. "You and Echobreeze are the same age." 78 and 79 moons, right? They'd been apprentices roughly the same time, though obviously they would have been in different dens -- separated by their calling. His thoughts, sharp as thorns, suddenly strangled him. Sootfeather had been 24 moons. Only three moons older than him.

The chestnut tom cringed, coming to a full stop as the weight that had been on his back finally proved too much. "You should have overseen Sootfeather's kitting. Maybe then she wouldn't have died. I'm... sorry, Smokefur. I was the wrong cat for the job." He had lost cats before; but none of them had felt so... so avoidable, like Sootfeather's loss.

He couldn't face Starlingcry, and a visit to the nursery, though necessary to check on the kits, was something he was beginning to dread, as surely as he dreaded the heat killing off precious herbs.

medicine cat of nightclan

@poptart | jk rowling | background image | table by phoenix

[Deleted]

Smokefur was happy to hear that Shadowchaser didn't think she was mostly comprised of dust, however she wasn't surprised that he had chosen to be kind to her. The tom had always been kind, since his earliest days as an apprentice, and Smokefur had little doubt that he was incredibly genuine which left him open to being hurt. As Shadowchaser launched into a self deprecating speech calling his own competence into question and burdening much more than his fair share of the grief associated with the passing of Sootfeather. Many mentors would have admonished their apprentices for indulging in what they would see as self pity, however Smokefur knew that Shadowchaser required a different approach. "The kitting would not have ended any differently regardless of if I had been the one to handle it." Smokefur informed the downtrodden tom, "I really need you to understand that. There will be many more deaths before your tenure as medicine cat is complete. If you blame yourself for every loss you won't make it Shadowchaser."

Word Count: 172

Tags: Fawn

Notes:

[Fawn]

curiosity is not a sin...

...but we should exercise caution with our curiosity

Shadowchaser

Her words were like cool water over fresh cuts. At first they stung, but it was momentary, and he could see the importance of it. Negative thoughts and feelings were like an infection; the longer it was left untreated, the worse it could get.

Solemn, Shadowchaser yielded to his mentor's logic, but there was a flare of guilt, argumentative, in his next expression. "We have so much power and responsibility in our paws, Smokefur." His tail twisted behind him like an extension of his shadow. "Yet sometimes it feels like not enough. I wish I had saved her, let her kits grow up with their mother in their lives. This sense of failure is..."

It was hard to shake. Smokefur was right. As deeply as it painted him to acknowledge this, death was a part of life. There would be many more souls that slipped through his paws before his tenure as medicine cat was up. Yet Shadowchaser could neither harden his heart or stunt his feelings altogether. How could he, when it was his job, his calling, to care about others in the Clan?

"How do I move past this?" Shadowchaser found Smokefur's eyes, gold looking for wisdom in blue. "It feels like a weight in my chest that I'll carry around for the rest of my days."

medicine cat of nightclan

@poptart | jk rowling | background image | table by phoenix

[Deleted]

Smokefur wasn't incapable of understanding exactly how Shadowchaser felt, however it was never something she had struggled with personally. That wasn't to say she hadn't had bad days in the past, and there was no avoiding the depression that came with the death of a clan-mate after all, however she never took such tragedies as personally as Shadowchaser had. "Shadowchaser..." Smokefur began calmly, "When I was a young apprentice one of the first cats I lost was my sister." It was a fact she had never shared with Shadowchaser who may have felt he had an entirely unique experience losing a loved one. "I also watched my other sister, Ravenstar, die nine times." It wasn't necessarily the same, even Ravenstar's final death hurt far less than the loss of her litter mate, however it didn't hurt the point she was attempting to make. "Every death I have been witness to has emboldened me to be better at my art, that terrible feeling gives you purpose."

Word Count: 165

Tags: Fawn

Notes:

[Fawn]

curiosity is not a sin...

...but we should exercise caution with our curiosity

Shadowchaser

Shadowchaser's heart sank. Shame over his shortsightedness had him humbly dipping his head, ears set forward to listen as Smokefur shed some light on a history he hadn't given much thought to. He'd had no idea she had a sister - two, even. He'd heard mention of Ravenstar, of course (all NightClan cats knew the name of their longest-serving leader), but the connection hadn't sunk in any deeper than on a superficial level.

Smokefur had lost loved ones. Kin. Same as he. It was not a contest of grief, some sort of sick joke over who had watched more family members die. Instead, it was... a dark companionship. She understood. They were both walking in a world where death was more present in their lives than most. Shadowchaser tried to picture a younger Smokefur, lost and grieving and trying to get through the difficulties thrown into her path.

She had found the courage to move on.

"I know you are right. I know that I should be using this... mourning period to become a better medicine cat. I'm going to try." Except the world looked dark, from where he was standing. This conversation had been good for him; it created a self-awareness. He needed more time to get over things. Shadowchaser was cursed with more empathy than most cats, and deaths left him in pieces; he couldn't stitch himself back together as quickly as he would like.

Maybe with age and experience, this process would get shorter. Or he'd be able to manage it better.

"I'll keep trying," Shadowchaser vowed, tail curling around his paws. "But I'm going to need your help. I know I have my medicine cat name, but there's still so much I have to learn." Not just about plants, but about this special path they walked.

Luminous golden eyes found Smokefur's calm blue. "Teach me how to channel this grief into something good for the Clan." Even if it was something as simple as mindless busy work (like counting and sorting leaves), Shadowchaser yearned to feel... useful again.

medicine cat of nightclan

@poptart | jk rowling | background image | table by phoenix