[Fawn]

Backdated to Newleaf 11, Valley Year 5

Hope when you take that jump

...'Don't worry Lilypaw - we're gonna live forever, well, practically forever. We aren't going to StarClan until we're too old to catch fish!'

...'I'd still find a way to see you, even if I lived as far away as LightningClan'...

...'I don't have 'much better things' to do, I will always have time for you. Whether you're grieving, whether you're smiling, whether you're angry. We're friends, and not even StarClan could stop me from being at your side'...

A ruddy paw touched the weather-beaten trunk of an old willow, the bark smooth in places and rough in others. Russethawk traced each of the lines etched into it, starting with Brookrun and Snoweye, his parents. Russethawk's paw moved lower, names he hadn't spoken in seasons coming back to the surface. Troutstripe, Shellfur, Trickleflower...

He found the mark for Ashpaw, who had come home. And the marks for Icepaw, Creamtail, and Peachflower, who had not. The stone Russethawk used to mark the tree was long gone; times had changed, and even the old willow was showing signs of life beginning to dull around the outermost branches. Russethawk found the mark he had made for Razorstar roughly 9 seasons ago. Had it really been so long? Long whiskers twitched, a melancholy smile making them quiver as he gently deepened the most recent clawmark. It was for Roselight, Razorstar's widow and the cousin who had practically raised him after his own parents had died.

Old memories were surfacing, and Russethawk had to step back to let the tide of feeling rush in. He breathed deep, lungs tightening as he waited for it to ebb away. He had one more name to add. The Tree of Life, she'd called it.

Tree of life lost, maybe. Tree of cats he could never see again.

Knock it off, Russet. He grimaced, as if afraid his loved ones could hear his thoughts. You'd upset her if she heard you thinking like that. Russethawk bowed his head, shame touching the edges of his grief. Couldn't he be the cynical one, just this once? Couldn't he be the cat that leaned on someone, rather than the one always getting leaned on?

Russethawk's kithood, his apprenticeship and the whirlwind highs and lows of his warriorhood were etched into the willow's bark. Instead of solace, instead of this being a place of remembrance, being here again felt like claws digging into the back of his neck. StarClan, it hurt.

"I buried you two days ago, Lily." He murmured to the tree. "Reedpaw and Whisperpaw and I." The pain renewed as his mind tortured him with the memory of pushing cold wet earth over Lilystream's body. She'd been his best friend, once. She'd had his heart for nearly as long. But time and the fickle nature of love had slowly drawn them apart.

Russethawk raised his paw to the bark again, willing himself to draw that most recent line. It would go under Trickleflower, Troutstripe and Shellfur. Her family. Russethawk's breath hitched, and he dropped his paw - needing all four limbs to keep himself steady. "I know you're in a better place, and Ashclaw's up there with you... but I still can't bring myself to..."

He had found a way to let her go, when she'd chosen Ashclaw for a mate and put an end to any romantic relationship he could have had with her. He found a way to be happy, joyful even, when she'd estatically told him she was expecting kits. He'd shared in her relief and hope for the future when her sons had been born; he'd been there too, grieving with her when StarClan called Ashclaw away far too soon.

Russethawk had dealt with every kind of distance fate decided to put between them. Except for this one. She was out of his reach; there was no longer the solace of seeing her every day and knowing she was happy. He couldn't see her. He couldn't see her anywhere, except in the green eyes of her sons and this mark on the tree he couldn't make.

I should bring Reedpaw and Whisperpaw here. Let them know what it means, and how it helped their mother through a rough time. Despite this rational thought, Russethawk wasn't ready to for that. He wasn't ready to be the bedrock keeping everyone else standing. He wasn't ready to put on a brave smile and promise everyone that it was going to be okay.

He wasn't ready to say goodbye.

But when had fate ever cared about how he felt?

You don't fear the fall

RainClan || 60 Moons || Tom

Russethawk

@zen || 757 Words
Notes: all dialogue lines at the top are taken from previous threads with Lilystream. </3

[Deleted]

I've learned to lose, I've learned to win,
I've turned my face against the wind...

---

Ashflight woke to a bright red feather tickling her nose, sneezed, and with a sort of fond exasperation, tucked it back into the moss and twigs of her nest before rising and arching her back in a luxurious stretch. She'd taken Russethawk up on his offer to move her nest. It was practical, after all. When he'd offered it had been leaf-bare, being surrounded by warm bodies was just the smarter thing to do. If she found herself enjoying how warm her companion's thick fur was in particular when he shifted beside her and she ended up pressed against him in the middle of the night, well, that was just more practicality. Sharing body heat.

But she hadn't moved away now that newleaf had come. Practicality would also suggest that as the seasons warmed, it would be better to be on the outskirts of the den again, away from all that body heat that would turn suffocating during humid greenleaf nights. And she had no intention of moving her nest again. Giving her fur a quick grooming to chase out any bits of moss still clinging, Ashflight stood again, glancing once at Russethawk's empty nest, before stepping out into camp. A good friend of his died only two days ago, or what Ashflight could only assume had been a good friend, since he had gone with the she-cat's sons to help bury her.

It was clear to Ashflight that her death had hit him hard, and she was torn on what to do about it. Had it been her, she would want to be left alone to grieve... but Russethawk was a far more social cat. He would want to be with someone, wouldn't he? She asked after Rushwhisker, hoping perhaps the two of them might be able to keep Russethawk company today, but apparently he was already out on patrol. Russethawk was no where to be found either, but some cat told her he'd left on his own earlier, not part of any patrol. Maybe he did want to be alone.

After a brief moment of indecision, she headed out of camp and crossed the stream, ranging back and forth along the bank until she picked up his scent trail. If he wanted to be left alone, she'd just come back to camp after she found him, no harm done. She was mildly surprised when his trail led her to the willow stream, weaving through hanging branches as they brushed over her pelt until she reached the sheltered inner branches and found Russethawk staring up at several... claw marks? etched into the trunk.

She stood silently at the perimeter of the willow's protective embrace for a moment, then flicked her tail through the branches to give her friend warning that he wasn't alone before she stepped forward, “Russethawk...?” She came up to his side, keeping a slight distance, unsure what he might want or need in his moment, “I... I wondered if you might want some company, but if you'd rather be alone... I'll understand.”

---

I will move fast, I will move slow,
take me where I have to go.

Fawn

[Fawn]

Hope when you take that jump

“Russethawk...?”

A voice called out to him. Some part of Russethawk not so entrenched in the numbness of grief registered the rustle of willow leaves. One ear had rotated, but he hadn't stirred—not until someone had called his name. Russethawk's heart tightened, and he forced himself to exhale. Forced himself to find the urge to smile and let someone in.

Emerald eyes closed, blocking out view of the willow bark, and opened to find... "Ashflight," Russethawk's whiskers twitched, surprised. He had expected Bravebird, or Rushwhisker. Both of them had been like littermates to him, and both had understood how much Lilystream had meant to him. Ashflight was different; Ashflight approached with respectful steps and the option to refuse her company.

Russethawk hitched his smile up higher, his stomach working itself into knots over her seeing him like this. He was no stranger to grief; neither of them were. But he didn't want her to see him so low. He wanted to bounce back, to actually mean the smile he was giving her and be fine enough to say so.

But he wasn't fine.

And she's not going to care, you stupid furball. What was she going to do, back away like her tail was on fire? Of course not. Ashflight was many things - a friend, a warrioress as fierce as the mountains she'd conquered - but she was no coward.

Russethawk's smile splintered apart, that false light shucked in favor of grayness and gloom. "Thanks. For just..." Just for showing up. He was sure warrior duties had kept Bravebird and Rushwhisker from doing the same, but that wasn't the point. Ashflight, who didn't really do the whole expression of feelings thing on purpose, had sought him out.

She cared. And that was all he needed right now.

Russethawk beckoned her with a soft flick of his tail, to where the shadows of the willow leaves fell across the bark. "I don't know if Rushwhisker told you or not but... I first marked up this tree when I lost my parents. To remember them. To have a... place to go and mourn them when I really needed them." Russethawk paused to draw breath, letting the words settle on his tongue as he brought her into this tradition, just like he'd brought her brother in all those moons ago.

"Then... Lilystream lost almost her entire family. I brought her here, so we could remember them too." He placed a paw on those three markings, unable to speak her name without a hitch in his throat. Russethawk's gaze became glassy, reflective of the pain but distant from the present. His next words began as a murmur, until he found his strength again.

"She called it the Tree of Life...A-Anyway. After Rushwhisker lost so many cats, I brought him here too."

Russethawk stepped back so she could get a good look. "That... That mark right there is yours." With Peachflower, Icepaw and Creamtail right beside it.

Ruddy ears flattened, and his posture seemed to sag now that he had done most of the explaining.
"There's two more, for Razorstar, my mentor, and Roselight, my cousin. I need to mark Lilystre…" Russethawk trapped the word between his teeth, voice hoarse. "I can't do it. We've known each other since we were kits. She was my best friend. I-I loved her. For a little while."

He cringed, feeling guilty for admitting this to her. But he couldn't take those words back now. He hadn't even told Bravebird or Rushwhisker about it, though they'd both gleaned enough of the truth from his reaction when Ashclaw and Lilystream became mates.

Russethawk trembled. "She's gone. She's just gone. And I don't know how to be okay with that."

You don't fear the fall

RainClan || 60 Moons || Tom

Russethawk

@zen || 614 Words || Notes

[Deleted]

I've learned to lose, I've learned to win,
I've turned my face against the wind...

---

When he turned, his forced expression was obvious on a face that was always so sincere and genuine and Ashflight's normally sharp gaze softened at his attempt to act normal when he so very clearly didn't feel normal. It didn't last for long, the fake smile faltering and fading, and when he thanked her she took it as permission to stay and closed the distance between them when he flicked his tail to beckon her closer, stopping at his side so their pelts brushed. She blinked in surprise as he started talking about the tree. She gazed up at the marks as he spoke, listening quietly. There were quite a few. She was even more surprised to find that she had a mark of her own.

Her ears flicked back at the brief flash of guilt. Russethawk had brought her brother here so the tree could bear the burden of his grief for him. Guilt was quickly replaced with gratitude for the tom beside her, for taking care of her brother while she was gone. He pointed out two more marks, but then....

She pressed lightly against his side, her attention fully on him now as the rawness of his pain became apparent in his voice, and when she felt him tremble she pressed her nose to his cheek for a moment, draping her tail over his back in a manner reminiscent of a queen protecting and comforting a kit. This Lilystream had meant so much more to him than she had imagined. He had loved her, and yet the kits she left behind were clearly not Russethawk's. Was that why the charismatic tom didn't have a mate yet? She mentally shook away that thought. As if now was the time to be asking such a thing.

“Right now, you don't have to be okay, Russethawk,” she murmured, “Wounds don't heal overnight... and wounds to the heart take even longer.” She thought momentarily of her seasons spent wandering the mountains, not being okay with the loss of Icepaw, grief and guilt her constant companions for so long. “You're allowed to not be okay, you know. For as long as you need to be. I... I'm not very good at this comforting thing, but... I'm here for you. If you need to lean on me for a while. I promise I won't tell anyone.” A hint of humor flickered through her eyes and she pressed a little bit closer as if to further reassure him she wasn't going anywhere.

---

I will move fast, I will move slow,
take me where I have to go.

Fawn she's trying xD

[Fawn]

Hope when you take that jump

“You're allowed to not be okay, you know."

As if those words had cut the strings holding up the russet furred tom, he sighed heavily, leaning into her touch as if it was the only thing keeping him upright. Russethawk's compassion was a double-edged sword; he'd always known that caring too much was going to bite him in the tail some day, but knowing and doing something about it were two different things.

He was never going to have the cool stoicism of Razorstar. He was never going to be able to process death easily, he knew that. And yet, as he stayed at Ashflight's side, his eyes squeezed shut as though to block out reality, Russethawk bitterly wished he cared just a little less. Maybe then, the pain would not be so intense.

Maybe then it wouldn't feel like he was being slowly pulled apart.

Russethawk slowly let his eyes open, and they stung from the adjustment to the gloomy light under the willow boughs. The first thing he saw was the hatch marks on the trunk, and the inevitable settled on him like a black, oppressive weight. The second thing he saw was Ashflight's fur - just a hint of it in his peripheral vision - as she stood sentinel, a pillar of support he'd needed so dearly.

"Promise?" Russethawk murmured, a hint of warmth and humor in his tone beneath the weightiness of the present.

The ruddy tom's heart squeezed, pressing out a selfish thought he hated himself for. Why not ask Ashflight to mark the tree for him? She didn't know Lilystream like he did. Had. Lilystream didn't mean anything to Ashflight - no more than any other Clanmate. It would be easy for her to mark the tree.

And that was exactly why he couldn't ask her to do it. The words never came. He needed to do this.

For her. For himself.

Slowly, his breath trapped in his throat, Russethawk left the warmth and comfort of Ashflight's touch to approach the willow's base. He found the marks for Troutstripe, Shellfur and Trickleflower. Russethawk unsheathed a claw; with the utmost care, as if he were cutting into his own skin rather than pale, unfeeling bark, Russethawk scratched a line just under Trickleflower.

"There," he whispered in a voice that trembled, weak. "Now she's with her family."

You don't fear the fall

RainClan || 60 Moons || Tom

Russethawk

384 Words || @zen || Notes