[Justice]

W

ildstripe

He's simply wandered from camp today, no real purpose in his mind other than to get away.  His thoughts were still dark and depressed, but he'd learned to hide them better.  The world didn't need him, his clan had no use for him.  The limp in his back leg meant that soon he would be useless as a warrior, and thus have no further purpose to give towards helping the clan.  And Firestar had lost her daughter.  That sort of pain he understood even as he couldn't see it in her eyes.  He knew her pain, he felt it whenever he tried to go anywhere near his sister.  He adored her, and wished only happiness to her even as he drifted further and further from her life.  May his darkness never intrude on her happiness.  Maybe, if he got far enough from her family they'd be happy again, even if they were no longer whole.

Wildstripe came out of his musings to the sound of leaves and loose stones shifting under his paws.  He sniffed the air and got his barings, ears swiveling around until he heard the wind blowing in a particular way.  He knew where he was, and it loosened something in his spirit to have his paws bring him here.  Star Field, beautiful even when touched by flame.  He could talk to StarClan here, he could be himself and not have to live up to anyone's expectations.  StarClan never judged him, and they were silent and loyal companions.  Maybe that was his calling, he mused, to speak and speak and listen but never hear them speaking to him.  He wasn't special enough for that, but he didn't mind.

"Am I forsaken for the things I've allowed to happen?"  He asked quietly, a little startled by the sound of his own voice.  He sounded raspy, like his voice was unused to speech.  Had he stopped talking?  He couldn't remember the last conversation he'd had, so perhaps?

"I couldn't protect them.  I couldn't protect anyone, and now I may soon not even be able to provide for my clan."  He snorted, tipping his face towards the sky.  "I have done my best my entire life, never let my eyes be a reason to stop trying.  But...I'm just so tired of fighting all the time.  Is it my time to rest?  Is it my time to be happy?"  He choked.  "Whitesparrow is gone, and my heart went with her.  Am I meant to be alone?  Am I meant to see those around me find their heart's desire, find the great love of their lives while remaining, myself, at paw's length?  Apart from it all?"

He felt his eyes burn and dropped his head, shoulders shaking.  "What must I do to prove myself worthy of love?  I wonder, if I wait long enough, will you tell me?"

there's always a new challenge
to keep you motivated

background image | sean connery | Hellion | table by phoenix

[Hellion]

Carefully picking her way across the field, Harmonymoon had spent the night outside and was making the trip home. On her pelt clung the fading scent of StoneClan, having visited her brothers in secret, Harmonymoon was planning on hunting to get the scent to fully fade. Not that she worried too much about it, she could always say she had wandered to the StoneClan border. A benefit of being one of the oldest members of the Clan was that few questioned her actions.

The paused mid-stride when a tiny mouse darted in front of her paws. Leaping after it, she barely managed to catch it between her paws. It remained a small meager meal but she kept her eyes open for more morsels. With mix-matched eyes, she kept walking, but distractions played in her head.

She thought back to her talk with Boulderjaw and Mousestep. Her more stoic brother, Boulderjaw, had been the one to kill Mapleheart. While it was an accident, her brother found it difficult to talk to her. While she was upset that Mapleheart's life had been lost in the fight and that Firestar had led the Clans to attack StoneClan, Harmonymoon didn't blame her brother outright.

She blamed the situation. The fighting in general. While she wasn't opposed to fighting and defending one's Clan she just wished someone had stopped it before it went that far. On the other paw, Mousestep was lively in his conversation. He spoke of his kits now being apprentices and that he was looking forward to seeing them get their warrior name. Harmonymoon put on the face of joy but found it difficult. She knew very little about them and had an even weaker connection to them.

As they departed, Harmonymoon said goodbye but made no plans to meet them again. Even if she didn't want to admit it outwardly, she had a feeling the conversations needed to come to an end. Perhaps she held more anger toward her half-brother then she realized.

All these distractions ceased to exist when she caught the scent of a Clanmate. Turning her head she spied them a few tail-lengths way and headed right for them. Considering she was fairly skilled at partner hunting, her request was prepared but it slipped away when she realized who it was. Wildstripe, Firestar's brother.

She kept heading toward him and cleared her throat to alert him to her arrival before standing before him. Luckily she hadn't heard any of his musing toward StarClan, considering she was distracted for a while. "Wildstripe, how are you?" She meowed in greeting.

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise,
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink

Justice ### Notes

[Justice]

He startled, having not heard her approach despite the quiet of the clearing. Of course, if he waited a few moments he realized that it was no longer dark. Day had broken without him noticing, not that it was all that uncommon a thing. He usually didn't care if it were day and night, not these days. He angled his ears towards the she-cat, but didn't otherwise move.

"Have the hunting parties started already?" It was a subtle way to ask what time of day it was without directly asking. He might need to head back to camp before he messed something else up.

She wanted to know how he was and he shook his head. "I am fine, thank you." No, he was not. He had to think on it before realizing who was talking to him, and he sniffed the air to confirm. "Yourself, Harmonymoon?" The pleasantries he could get through, he wasn't a rude tom by any means. Just...lost. Lost in his purpose, lost and damaged of spirit and heart. Maybe it was time to surrender to his fate and ask Firestar to send him to the elder's den.

Hellion
Notes : so much emo cat.

[Hellion]

Harmonymoon disliked seeing a Clanmate suffering and the longer she looked at Wildstripe the greater her concern became. It was one thing for older toms to become depressed on wonder about their future. Those who didn't have kits often sought out mates and those that did try to more time with them. However, Wildstripe was different.

Harmonymoon wasn't sure how to explain it, but she knew there was something else rooted in Wildstripe's sadness. However, she didn't direct her question to him just yet, instead, she settled down to sit and curl her tail over her paws. Her hunted mouse sitting at her paws.

"I was wandering last night so I'm just coming in but I did do a little hunting before," She told him in reply to his question about patrols. While Harmonymoon wasn't ashamed of her half-clan status, she didn't want the entire Clan knowing about it. The last thing she needed was someone treating her differently all of the sudden.

"I'm doing alright all things considered. Sometimes at night, I can still feel the flames at my back but I normally get up and walk around when that happens," She meowed softly, choosing her words carefully. It wasn't a surprise that any of the cats had some sort of prolonged stress from the fire. Harmonymoon had been one of the cats to go out looking for others and there was a time when she thought she wouldn't make it back. She thanked StarClan for her long limbs and powerful strides.

"Do you like being out here? In the field I mean?" She asked in an attempt to further the conversation. Being the nosey cat she was, Harmonymoon wanted to know why he was so upset, but so also wanted to respect him. She'd tried a few time to get him to talk before giving up, but she wouldn't tell him that.

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise,
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink

Justice ### Notes

[Justice]

So it was definitely morning. She'd been out all night, not something most cats did. Not unless they were NightClan cats, which if he remembered from his apprentice days was a clan that stayed up at night and slept the day. An odd arrangement, but they weren't called NightClan for no reason he supposed. But his mind had wandered again, and he had to focus on his company.

"I know that feeling. The nightmares are terrible." The clog of smoke in the air, the heat of the flames as they crept up towards camp, the chaos and fear and running for their lives even as his limp slowed him down. He'd glued himself to one of the apprentices and stayed with the group. The time in the tunnels had been spent worrying and wondering. When would they go home? Would there be a home left to go to? How many of them would succumb to the smoke and flames? How many families would be torn apart?

He sighed, shoulders dropping as he closed blind eyes to the world. She was trying to be nice to him, but he found it hard to carry on this conversation. But...perhaps a little longer wouldn't hurt anything.

"Its quiet here, and even though I'm sure it shows signs of the fire still, I can sense the field is healing." He turned his face towards the sky again, leaving his eyes closed. "I come here whenever I can. I find the quiet here to be soothing. Whitesparrow showed me how to listen from this field, way back when." His tone went flat when he spoke her name, his heart clenching.

"I come here to talk to StarClan, even if they don't answer. They, at least, don't say cruel but true things to me. I'm tired of fighting to prove myself all the time." He didn't care if she knew how he felt, he would say no more on the matter. Pleasant, calm, if not happy.

Hellion

[Hellion]

Harmonymoon felt and odd calm when talking with Wildstripe. Despite being close in age he seemed wiser, more suited for the life of a medicine cat then a warrior, not because he was soft but beacuse he seemed too good. He was speical even if he didn't see it.

Careful not to crowd in his space, Harmonymoon scooted closer. She wanted to off him some support if he any sort of support he wanted. Physical or emotional, it didn't matter.

As he went on to explain why he liked the field, Harmonymoon's eyes moved to look around him. He was right, it was quiet and in a way peaceful. She had been too much of a talker and busy to really slow down along enough to appreciate the beauty all around her. Which made her feel a little guilty.

It took a blind cat to remind her of what she took for granted.

Wildstripe added in more about StarClan and instantly Harmonymoon's eyes went upward to the sky. The stars few finally fading away and she felt a little more alone. However her faith wasn't put into question, instead, her ears shifted forward at Wildstripe's ending words. Did he really feel like that?

"I don't think there was ever a time you needed to prove yourself," Harmonymoon told him, moving ever closer, her tail coming out to touch his paws. "Sight or no sight you are a great warrior and you've done so much for the Clan," She added. "I've heard stories about you. Cats talk, you've done a lot of good for the health of LightingClan," She kept on, this time her head dipped to slowly move to press against his chin. It was a gesture meant to be comforting, she hated seeing a Clanmate in any sort of turmoil.

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise,
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink

Justice ### Notes

[Justice]

"You're wrong. If I had proven myself I wouldn't always be stuck at home." His tail flicked a little, but his tone was dark. "I can't leave the territory, I can't participate in battles. I have to be able to orient myself, and the chaos of battle makes that impossible. The only thing I am, Harmonymoon, is a half decent hunter. I have left nothing behind me, have nothing to show for my long life. I've never had an apprentice, nor do I really want one at this point. If I want to go any further than our borders I have to be accompanied. And who wants to do that?" He meant going to Gatherings or to escort their medicine cat to Moon Tree.

He felt his chest constrict and dropped his head, starting to shake as despair and rage roiled through him. He was so mild mannered, tried so hard to be kind and sweet and helpful. And for what? For cats to tell him he was stupid, worthless, that he should have died when he lost his ability to see? That he'd never be a tom any she-cat would want because he was deformed?!

Wildstripe's dark mood escalated rapidly, then shattered at the feel of a little head pressed against his chin. He made a sound of pain, strangled and pitched, and his heart cried out again.

After how long he'd kept it in, after failing to protect his leader, his sister, after suffering alone and trying desperately to make it better, he simply couldn't take it anymore. He broke down, broken sobs escaping his large form over and over. "Why has StarClan forsaken me? What did I do wrong?"

He didn't expect an answer, the words had been torn out of him. He had nothing left to give, and he wouldn't blame Harmonymoon in the least if she were to walk away from the suddenly hysterical tom.

Hellion

[Hellion]

It was one thing to be told she was wrong, but something entirely diffrent hearing it from Wildstripe. In all her moons he hadn't ever lashed out in such a way, which deeply troubled Harmonymoon.

She struggled with putting all the pieces together but when she did, Harmonymoon did the one thing she knew how to do. She talked.

"StarClan is the name we give to her ancestors. They don't control our lives. You can't blame the dead for what happens to the living," She told him with a sharpness in her tone to convey an attempt to push him out of his stupor.

"Wildstripe you are still a good warrior and worthy of so much praise and if you need someone to remind you of that every day then I shall be the cat to do so. I'll move my nest next to yours right now to make sure you wake up and you know how much the Clan values you," She added in a huff, her tail flicking.

"I can't stand to see a Clanmate hurting and that includes you, so will you let me be there for you?" Harmonymoon added after a moment her tone softer.

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise,
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink

Justice ### rough, sorry.

[Justice]

W

ildstripe

She didn't understand. How could she understand? He wasn't really making himself very clear. The dam had been broken, all his control and all his patience worn away by a lifetime of being told he was less than and struggling to prove himself otherwise. He'd been told he'd proven his worth over and over again, but it never felt like the truth. Just a placating set of words for a big tom whose world revolved around his clan. His sister, her family, and life coming to a tragic end all at once. Whitesparrow, Mapleheart, Echopaw. Then the fire and the chaos and his weakened leg slowing everything down.

"I'm sorry..." The words were strangled, his body shaking as he tried to make himself understood while he was being choked by a soul deep sorrow that had been building up for moons. "StarClan is the only presence I've had to talk to in a long time. At least they have never abandoned me when I needed someone to talk to." His words were bitter, but at least he was still able to speak.

"I never want or expect praise. I don't want endless and meaningless words. I'm just tired of being told I'm worthless." Tears still fell from blind eyes, and he didn't bother to try and stop them. He was done. "Russetfall struck me." He shifted his head a little bit, moving his shoulder to indicate where. "Injured to the point of retirement, and he attacked me. I just wanted to visit Firestar, I wanted to comfort her. She's my sister, I love her...but all I do is cause her pain."

He got himself up, leaning away from Harmonymoon as his body shook, as he tried to make sense of things. "I don't want to impose on your kindness. You might value me, but that is your opinion. I know there are those that believe in me, but it is a minority. I devoted myself to my clan, like any good warrior aught to. I've hunted and patrolled and done everything by the Code, everything for my clan. So why does it feel as though I have failed the clan?"

He wanted to trust in this she-cat, he wanted to believe she could and would stay by his side, help him combat the terrible darkness that had taken root in his soul. He just didn't know how to take that first step to letting her do so. How did he come out of this dark place when he was drowning in it.

"Russetfall threatened to kill me if I ever came near his family again." He shuddered again. He wanted this poison out of his head, and he couldn't hold onto it any longer. "She lost a life for me, because I couldn't fight for myself." The russet colored tom had known, and in his anger thrown the accusation at him.

"Worthless, stubborn mouse-brain that just doesn't know when to give up. Should have done the world a favor and died when I lost my sight, rather than insisting on becomming a warrior despite it. Then Whitesparrow and Echopaw would still be alive, then my very existence wouldn't be poisoning my sister's happiness." His cadence of speech was off, not even realizing he was speaking aloud the hateful words shouted at him more than once by his sister's mate. Angry, hate filled words, words born of fear and protectiveness and pain. Firestar had died. It was his fault.

The final straw, for the aged tom that held his sister's heart, was the death of their daughter. Though that hadn't been Wildstripe's fault, Russetfall felt like the other tom was bringing pain and ruin on the clan because he existed, because he hadn't died a warrior to the badger that had cost Firestar a life and killed two other lives.

And through it all Wildstripe hadn't said a word to anyone, not before this. He hadn't told his sister that her mate was driving him deeper and deeper into depression, that he was drowning in his own despair. Because he believed every word the other tom said.

"Don't move your nest. Don't trouble yourself with me. I don't want that. I don't want to be a burden. I just...I just want someone to listen."

Couldn't stand to see a Clanmate hurting? Be there for him? Why? "Why are you being nice to me?"

there's always a new challenge
to keep you motivated

background image | sean connery | Hellion | table by phoenix

Notes : I want this to be the last super depressing thread for him. Harmony is on the right track, she just has to push a little harder. Because before Russetfall started in on him Wildstripe believed he had a place, believed in himself despite not really believing that his clan believed in him. He was happy as long as he could be useful, and as long as his family [Firestar specifically] was happy.

[Hellion]

Harmonymoon listend to every word that came from Wildstripe with devoted interest. But that attention shifted into anger at Russetfall. That emotion grew into a quiet rage as the pretty blue-coated she-cat lashed her tail back and forth, her claws audiably scrapping the ground.

She couldn't ever agree with striking a Clanmate out of anger, no matter how terrible the offense. However, hearing Wildstripe explain what happened had Harmonymoon almost justifying going after Russetfall.

"That is terrible! How dare he touch you. It was no one's fault. The badger is to blame for attacking," She interjected with another quick lashing of her tail. "It is stupid and cruel of Russetfall to blame you. Firestar is the leader of StarClan's sake. She has nine lives for the exact reason of expending them on the Clan," She added in an increasingly loud rant.

"I'm sure if you told Firestar what happened she'd talk to Russetfall, make him apologize. He can't go around bullying. Losing a kit doesn't give him a free pass to be fox-tongued," She told him in an effort to persuade him to stand up for himself. Yet, Harmonymoon knew it wasn't her place to make him do anything. She had been told since her early kit-hood days that she meddled too much. Perhaps she was doing the same with Wildstripe but she trusted that he'd say something if that was true.

However, that was all tossed out the den when Wildstripe spoke of Russetfall threatening to kill him. She growled softly at the phrase. "You can't let him get away with that! If you don't tell Firestar I will," She proclaimed, leaving behind her early notion of letting Wildstripe take charge of his own life. Russetfall was well beyond a bully and it shouldn't be tolerated by anyone.

Her anger didn't subside until he mentioned that he didn't want her to move her nest. She had almost forgotten she suggested it but it served as a half-decent distraction.

"Your not a burden Wildstripe and I'd be happy to move my nest next to yours. So either you let me or I just take over your nest and you will have to sleep next to me. Either way, I'll be by your side," She told him matter-of-factly, ignoring his question of why she was being nice.

Her reasoning was simple. Wildstripe was on his own and in a way Harmonymoon was too. She talked too much and put her nose where it didn't belong. She didn't have many friends because no one thought she could keep a secret, which wasn't true. She just hadn't gotten the chance to build a good friendship and it was no or never.

You’re dripping like a saturated sunrise,
You’re spilling like an overflowing sink
You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece
And now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink

Justice ### Notes