[Fawn]

30 Moons. RainClan. She-Cat.

They had tried. They really had. Between the grief she felt over Glowflower's death and her father's murder, and Rushwhisker's new duties as deputy, it was a miracle from StarClan that they were able to spend any time together whatsoever.

Their dates to the willow stream were... nice. They made her days better, and her leafbare less full of ice and heartache. But something still felt like it was missing. Like it wasn't quite right.

Things will get better in newleaf, she promised herself, tying her personal happiness with the natural recovery the forest and the Clan would go through once released from leafbare.

Sure enough, the flowers were blooming. The ice was melting, the last dregs of winter were starting to fade away. Rushwhisker was more comfortable with his role as deputy, and the holes in Bitternwing's heart had begun to close. By greenleaf, with a bit of hope, there would only be a few scars remaining.

And yet...

"Hey," Rushwhisker mewed, approaching her side of the river, his demeanor friendly. Bitternwing greeted him with a soft brush of her muzzle against his, expecting that familiar zing in her heart from the contact.

"Good morning. Finished assigning patrols?" Her voice was sweet, even if she hadn't felt that zing.

Rushwhisker nodded. "Yes, and I plan to take Frozenpaw swimming today. But I... wanted to talk to you, first."

There it was. That constricting ache in her chest. Bitternwing's eyes widened softly, but her downy features remained passive, nodding to show she'd heard. "Okay. Is it about...?"

"Us." Said Rushwhisker simply, which wasn't a simple statement at all. The deputy took the first few steps further down river, and Bitternwing followed. They walked side by side until, by mutual unspoken agreement, found the most secluded spot.

I know what's coming. I can feel it. StarClan, she'd tried to chalk it up to lingering grief. To apprehension over so many Purists getting exiled. To anything but the truth.

"I'm sorry, Bitternwing. I..." Discomfort and genuine regret filled Rushwhisker's eyes, and Bitternwing felt chilled by the sight of it. "I'm... still not over Bluejay. I'm so sorry, but I don't think I will ever be."

Her heart sank, as helpless as a kit trapped beneath a river stone.

In one sharp burst of self-defense, Bitternwing tuned him out - her ears flat, her pelt fluffed - shielding herself from his words. Words she needed to hear. Pulsing heart in her head, a lump in her throat, Bitternwing exhaled, and put on something that could've passed for a smile. Almost.

"I...know, Rushwhisker. These past moons have been so nice, even though we've both had so much on our paws. I just... had a feeling."

"I'm sorry," he murmured again, and gently nuzzled the top of her head. "You deserved the truth, and a tom who can give you his whole heart. Not some of it."

Bitternwing used every urge of self control she had left not to bury her nose into his neck-fur, but to stay strong. To concentrate on letting him go. They had tried. But they just weren't meant to be.

"I hope we can still be friends, Bitternwing. You've really gotten me through some difficult times, I couldn't handle it if we didn't talk anymore."

Bitternwing nodded, numb. "Of course, Rushwhisker." Her voice was a whisper, throat raw with emotion. "Of course. You're my friend." StarClan, this hurt so much. Afraid to say anything else, Bitternwing looked at the river, trying to piece herself back together.

All of this hardship... All of this loss... Was it worth it? Did it serve a purpose? Or was she just one of those unlucky cats, who should just be happy to have lived this long? Bitterness, for the first time, crept into her heart, but then Rushwhisker's scent was all around her.

"I'm sorry for hurting you. I hope you meet someone who makes you as happy as you deserve to be, Bitternwing."

She looked at him, and the sentence he'd left unsaid still got through.

I hope you find someone who makes you as happy as Bluejay makes me.

Bitternwing wanted to screech. She wanted to be angry at the both of them, furious that he couldn't do something as -- something as... heart-wrenching as let go of the cat you loved.

They said their goodbyes. Bitternwing watched him walk away, trying to let her selfishness flow down river.

A confusing mixture of emotion hit the warrioress like a mudslide. Anger. Sorrow. Relief. Hope?

They had never really been meant for each other, had they? No matter how badly she'd wished it. Bitternwing was surprised at herself; this was a fresh kind of pain, the pain of letting someone go... But it was like puncturing a sore on her pad. The sooner all these gross, unsightly emotions drained out of her, the sooner she could heal.

She just had to believe that she could.

Word Count: 802 Words
Tags: @zen
Notes: Closure at last. Takes place in the last few days of leafbare.