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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2016 0:34:29 GMT -5
Look how far we've made it, the pain, I can't escape it...
The pain was still as fresh as though he had just turned his back on her. It may have been mutual between Rushwhisker and Bluepaw, to end their very short relationship, but that didn't make it hurt any less. She had come into his life at just the right time, had been exactly what he needed, had pulled him from the darkness he had wrapped himself in and brought light back to his life. It had only been a few short moons together, but in that time she had healed him of what was once a gaping wound, and leaving her was like tearing off the cobwebs before the wound had fully healed. It was the right thing to do... he could never ask her to leave TreeClan and her sister for him, and he could never leave RainClan for her. If they continued this way, living separately, their loyalty was sure to be tested, and what if they had kits? His heart ached thinking about the pain it would put them through, to be half-Clan, to deal with that ridicule and mistrust from their Clanmates, and for him to not be part of their lives.
He stared down at his reflection in the cove pool, his image briefly broken up by the wind lightly rippling the water's surface, reflecting the turmoil within him. He had done the right thing... but if it had been the right thing, why did he have to keep telling himself that? Why did it hurt so much? Shouldn't he feel relieved? Satisfied? He closed his eyes tightly and shook his head. It had been so hard to walk away from her, knowing it was the last time they would meet like that, the last time he would feel the soft brush of her pretty blue fur against his, the last time he could bury himself in her scent and forget everything else for a little while, the last time her bright blue eyes would light up his world. His light had been extinguished, and he had done it himself.
He couched, burying his face in his paws. Each beat of his heart was like a painful blow. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he'd let her go. Peering mournfully across the little pool, he hoped Russethawk would show up soon. He had quickly discovered that he should not allow himself to be alone with his thoughts when he felt this way, he would only spiral deeper and deeper into darkness. He had to reach out, not push away, at times like these, or he would lose himself again. He couldn't let himself fall back into that place that the loss of his siblings had left him in. He had given himself a couple days since his parting with Bluepaw, hoping his loyalty to RainClan would somehow dispel this pain, but it had only gotten worse. So earlier he had asked Russethawk to meet him at the Wooded Cove so they could talk. He knew he could tell his mentor anything, even this... even how he had been breaking the Warrior Code and nearly betrayed his Clan, and made Bluepaw betray hers. He needed to know... he needed some other cat to tell him he had done the right thing, because right now, he just couldn't tell.
As the world falls apart around us all we can do is hold on, hold on... Greenleaf 15 Fawn
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Post by Fawn on Jan 23, 2016 13:29:21 GMT -5
Russethawk
Tom || 33 Moons || RainClan || Warrior
Lean on me, when you're not strong. Russethawk took mentoring very seriously, in his own pleasant, upbeat manner. It was no secret to any cat that he cherished his own apprenticeship with Razorstar to such a high degree; though he knew the relationship he held with Rushwhisker was different, it was no less special to him. Russethawk had been prepared to drop everything and hasten to the young warrior's side, ready and willing to be a listening ear to the young cat's troubles, his duties to RainClan had to take precedence.
The ruddy warrior shook the last of the soiled moss from his claws. "Finished," he mewed politely to the elders, and waited until they had returned to their den before departing. On the way to the wooded cove, Russethawk was certain to wash his paws well; he'd never enjoyed cleaning out the elders' bedding, but what cat did? Besides, he knew better than to be rude to the oldest warriors in the Clan. They didn't deserve it.
Besides, there'd come a time, a long way off from now, where he may very well join them.
Russethawk shook the water droplets from his forepaws, and quickened his pace. The fiery light in the warrior's eyes did not diminish at the sight of his former apprentice's melancholic state, rather, they burned brighter, sensing the younger warrior needed a friend now more than ever.
"I'm here, Rushwhisker." When he'd been approached earlier that morning, with Rushwhisker asking to speak with him privately, to get this weight off his heart, Russethawk hadn't come up with any reasons for why. He had arrived here with an open mind, and he was certain there was nothing Rushwhisker could say that would shock him, or make him withdraw the support he'd promised to give his apprentice for as long as they both considered themselves warriors.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2016 14:44:55 GMT -5
Out of the blue, we should have been together. Don't wanna get over you...
Ears twitching slightly at the sound of an approach, Rushwhisker lifted his head and turned as Russethawk announced his arrival. He pushed himself to a sitting position and looked back down into the water for a moment. “Thank you for coming...,” he managed to rasp, his voice thick with the emotions roiling inside him. He tried to decide how best to begin, his tail twitching uncertainly. “Russethawk I... I've....” His claws slid out to dig into the soft earth in an attempt to ground himself. He took a deep breath, his ears pressed against his head, “It seems like no matter what I do, there's never a right choice.”
Part of his heart had called him to follow his siblings, to find them no matter the cost to himself, while the other had urged him to stay in case they returned, to stay for his mother, to keep her heart from completely shattering at the loss of every single one of her kits, to stay for RainClan, because they had already lost 4 cats. That choice had not been easy for him, he had felt like he was somehow betraying his siblings, not going after them. But if he left, he felt he would be betraying his Clan. In the end, his Clan had won, but... he had fallen into a place that left him a shell of what a warrior of RainClan should be.
He had been unable to let go of the hope that his siblings would return, that they were alive, and in clinging to them he had betrayed RainClan from within. He had shut out his Clan, shut out those cats that were still here and still cared for him. He had gone through the motions of Clan life without any passion or heart put into any of it. He had not given anything of himself to his Clan, keeping it all locked safely away. In the end, he had realized what he was doing, in part thanks to Bluepaw, and he had finally let go of his siblings for the sake of his Clan, despite it still feeling like some sort of betrayal of them. He knew they would not have wanted him to go on living that way, and so he did it anyway. For RainClan.
And now.... His eyes glazed with pain, he turned back to his mentor, “I feel like my heart is constantly at war with all of RainClan.” He shook his head, forcing out his words when all he wanted to do was curl up in his nest for the next moon, “I've betrayed my own heart for RainClan. Every decision I've made... it's been for RainClan.” He looked to Russethawk pleadingly, words spilling out in a not so coherent fashion, “I've done the right thing, haven't I? I loved her... I still love her... but we can't... I can't leave RainClan. I can't....”
He pushed head against Russethawk's shoulder and took a moment to calm himself down, realizing he wasn't making any sense, “I'm sorry....” He had a moment to feel incredibly grateful for his mentor's continuous support before his pain nearly overwhelmed him again. Taking another deep breath, he pulled away, staring at his paws, ashamed of what he had to admit to the other tom, “I've... been meeting a TreeClan she-cat... for the past couple moons.” His gaze softened as he thought of her, “She's amazing, Russethawk. She... she understands me like no cat ever has.” He closed his eyes, “When I'm with her, it's like everything else doesn't matter anymore, and I... I'm so happy.” He turned to Russehawk again, “I don't understand... how something that feels so wonderful can be wrong. I know it is... I know... but....” His gaze fell once more to his paws, his voice dropping to a quiet murmur, “Why does it hurt so much... to give her up... if it's the right thing to do?”
Out of the blue, they said we couldn't be together. I have to get over you....
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Post by Fawn on Jan 23, 2016 15:23:30 GMT -5
Russethawk
Tom || 33 Moons || RainClan || Warrior
Lean on me, when you're not strong. At first, the news struck him like a small wave, leaving him mentally sputtering in its wake. Rushwhisker had been seeing a TreeClan she-cat? He had given the young warrior his space, without being fully absent in Rushwhisker's life. How had he failed to notice his absences? You're not as sharp as you thought, Russethawk realized with a jolt. He's been perking up these past few weeks because of a she-cat, not because of time spent by himself.
After he had accepted this revelation, and heard the torment permeating every word Rushwhisker said to him, he laid his tail over his former apprentice's back.
“Why does it hurt so much... to give her up... if it's the right thing to do?”
I am sorry, Rushwhisker. He truly was. Nothing made his heart so heavy as the knowledge that Rushwhisker had found a cat who understood him, who helped heal the hurts he had so unfairly suffered at the apathetic claws of fate, and that cat was someone he could never be with. Not without more sacrifice. Not without more pain and guilt.
Why his young charge had been given such a harsh life to lead, Russethawk didn't know. It was frustrating.
A rush of protectiveness swept over him, along with his own strong, moral compass.
"Sacrifice always hurts," mewed Russethawk gently. "That's why it's called sacrifice. It can't ever be easy. I know you may not feel like it—that the dark pit in your stomach might feel like it's never going to go away—but you made the right choice."
Russethawk had never been in Rushwhisker's situation. The closest he came to understanding the younger warrior's situation, would be imagining a hypothetical one, to picture Lilystream living in a different Clan than RainClan. Then having to choose between them. It made his soul burn just thinking about it.
All he could do now was reaffirm for Rushwhisker that he had made the right choice. Warriorhood was hard. Following the Code was harder.
"I'm proud of you, Rushwhisker. I'll be honest, StarClan, or whoever it is that decides that things must be the way they are, hasn't been good to you. But you haven't let it destroy you. You stayed true to RainClan no matter what." Russethawk licked Rushwhisker's ear, feeling the tom's pain. Despite the gentleness of his actions, his next words were firm, supportive. "You'll find happiness in RainClan too. You don't have to replace her, Rushwhisker. But I can't let you spiral into a dark place. If she cares about you as much as you care about her, she wouldn't want that for you either."
Russethawk held back a wince. These words felt so weak, so inadequate. Even if he believed them. "I know you're hurting, but don't lose heart. The storm is finally passing, and even if it's not, you have me and an entire Clan to help you get through it." Please, StarClan, Russethawk pleased. Let this be the last of it, for a while. Rushwhisker deserved so much better than he had gotten.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2016 16:55:16 GMT -5
Please remember that I miss you. Young and reckless, what did we do?
Sacrifice always hurts. It wasn't reassuring, really, but it was the plain truth of the matter. When he became a warrior, he had pledged himself to RainClan, even at the cost of his life. At the time... his words had been half-hearted, when he'd agreed to that. Still lost deep in his depression, he had hardly cared if he lived or died, so why not die for RainClan? But since his recovery he had come to take that oath as seriously as he should have when he took it. Realizing that his love for Bluepaw was in itself a betrayal of his Clan had caused him many sleepless nights, but when he was with her... he forgot all about it. And that in itself was the very problem. She made him forget his oath as a warrior and his loyalty to his Clan. It was only when he left her, returned to his Clan, that the guilt would come crashing down on him.
He closed his eyes. How much would he be required to sacrifice for RainClan? Did it matter? Did he not give his word to sacrifice anything for his Clan? Was that all his life would be, one sacrifice after another until he had nothing left but duty to RainClan to keep him going? Did he really want to live that way? You made the right choice. He turned his gaze back to Russethawk, drinking in those words. I'm proud of you, Rushwhisker.
His gaze narrowed appreciatively as his mentor gave him a reassuring lick on the ear. No, Bluepaw would never want him to hurt like this, to fall back into that place she had pulled him from. Especially not because of her. She would blame herself, because that's the sort of cat she was. She would want him to find happiness in his own Clan, just as he wanted her to find happiness in hers. It hurt to think of her with someone else, and he wondered if she felt the same... if seeing him happy with some other she-cat would hurt her. He wasn't sure he could do that to her. Perhaps his duty to RainClan really was all he had left, his loyalty to his Clanmates, to the friends he had in his Clan. He would certainly try to be happy, for everyone who cared about him, including Bluepaw, who wanted to see him smile, but he wasn't sure if he could ever love another cat like he loved her.
But then, as Russethawk said, he didn't have to replace her. It ached to think of never having a family of his own, something he had begun to think about while he was with Bluepaw, something he had both looked forward to and dreaded because of their situation. He wanted a mate and kits, but now... he wasn't sure he would ever have them. He sighed, “I hope you're right. I never meant to find happiness outside of RainClan. I never imagined that I would....” He thought of Falconleap and Sunstride, leaving everything behind to be with the cats they loved in a Clan they weren't born into.
As much as he loved Bluepaw, he just couldn't imagine doing the same. Even with so little tying him to RainClan, with all the pain he had gone through in the Clan of his birth that he could so easily leave behind and start over in a new Clan with a cat he loved, he could never leave it. And he almost felt like Bluepaw would respect him less if he did. They were so alike, and understood each other so well... fate had been cruel, separating them into different Clans. He shook his head, his tone still quiet, but firm, “I won't go back to how I was before.” At least he knew Bluepaw was still alive. He could see at her Gatherings. They could... maybe they could still be friends. It wasn't like losing his siblings. He had no reason to go back there, to a cat half alive. He leaned against Russethawk, needing the connection, reminding himself that he had cats here who cared and that he wasn't alone, didn't have to be. A sad smile passed over his muzzle, “I'm sorry I keep doing this to you. I've really been a troublesome apprentice.”
Broken promise, gone forever. Maybe one day we'll get better.
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Post by Fawn on Jan 23, 2016 17:37:22 GMT -5
Russethawk
Tom || 33 Moons || RainClan || Warrior
Lean on me, when you're not strong.
“I hope you're right. I never meant to find happiness outside of RainClan. I never imagined that I would....”
Russethawk smiled. "A few moons ago, I don't think you could've even imagined finding happiness, let alone falling in love. Life can be the biggest heap of fox dung, sometimes. But other times, it can be this amazing, ridiculous, exciting thing that takes us for a ride. If you found love, Rushwhisker, then you can find it again. You'll be okay." He didn't mean just romantic love, either.
There were all different kinds. The love from a trusted, loyal friend. The love of a mentor to his introverted apprentice. The love Rushwhisker would undoubtedly feel for his own apprentice, when that monumental ceremony came.
At Rushwhisker's apology, Russethawk couldn't help but laugh a little, making a sound halfway between a chuckle and a purr.
"Sorry? Don't say sorry to me, Rushwhisker. Don't you know by now that you're stuck with me?" He swept a paw over the top of the tom's head, deliberately moussing the pale tabby fur. "I'm one of those annoying mentors who likes to be overly involved in their apprentices' lives." The ruddy tom grinned. "Any time you need to talk, I'll always be here to listen." I think you'll get through this, Rushwhisker. I'll be there every step of the way, as long as you need me.
He'd never abandon the warrior in such distressing times. Not now. Not when he lived to be 109 moons old and could barely hear. Russethawk would never be the cat who turned his back when someone needed him.
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Words: 265 Words
Tags: @zen
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