Burned Bridges Can Be Rebuilt [Russethawk] Aug 27, 2014 14:03:49 GMT -5
Post by Fate of Five Admin on Aug 27, 2014 14:03:49 GMT -5
Wash the sorrow from off my skin...
Rushwhisker was very aware of the fact that he had been a horrible Clanmate, a horrible friend. It was all he could bear to spend time with his mother, to give her some peace of mind that he, at least, was still here, still with her in RainClan. He allowed her to fuss over him, he spent time sharing tongues with her and letting her question him about his day. His father usually kept close to her when he wasn’t around, but the moment he appeared, the older tom would leave. He understood exactly what his father was doing, the older tom as afraid of losing his only remaining kit as his mate was. But while his mother was coping by clinging harder to her son, is father was pushing him away, distancing himself as if expecting to lose him as well and not wanting to feel anymore when it finally happened. Rushwhisker was doing the exact same thing to everyone else he cared about. And if his father’s distance wounded him, as it did, then he had to imagine his distance was wounding his Clanmates, and it just wasn’t fair to them.
His talk with Bluepaw had done him a lot of good. Just thinking about her had his mood lifting. She seemed to understand him better than anyone else ever had, going through the unique experience of growing up with a disabled littermate as she was. The disabilities might be different, but the feelings they each had about it were very similar. She had reminded him what he was doing, that there were still cats in RainClan, beyond his family, that cared about him and would much rather see him smile than continue on in this depressive state, cats he might be hurting by pushing them away, too afraid to lose them, to hurt anymore, to invest any amount of feeling or care toward them. He couldn’t live this way. It wasn’t fair to anyone. Somehow he had to reconcile the hope and the grief he had warring within him over his lost siblings and set it aside for the cats that still surrounded him, living, breathing, feeling cats that he was neglecting for an uncertainty.
It was with these thoughts in mind that he forced himself to his paws and toward the familiar form of his mentor. Russethawk had done a lot to help him through Icekit and Ashkit’s disappearances, but after his older siblings disappeared as well it had only ripped open those old wounds, made them fresh again and topped them with more pain, and he hadn’t been able to handle it. He had not even wanted Russethawk’s support, as lost as he had been… as he very well still might be. He had begun to distance himself from the red furred warrior then, as he neared warriorhood himself, and since he had received his warrior name he had not sought out his former mentor once. He had been too afraid that if he allowed himself to care too much about the tom that had been so influential to him as he learned what it meant to be a warrior of RainClan that he would lose him too, and he just didn’t know if he could handle that pain again.
He neared the older tom and ducked his head a bit, “Russethawk…?” He paused briefly, trying to decide what he would say. It had been a long time since he’d actually had any real conversation with his mentor. His gaze narrowed slightly as he glanced down at his paws shamefully at the thought. He didn’t want to do this to his Clanmates anymore. “I’m… can we… talk? Maybe take a walk… hunt a little….” He wasn’t normally so hesitant, so unsure of himself, but he felt as if he had done a great wrong to Russethawk, pushing him away as he had, and he just wanted to make things better between them, to repair the damage he’d caused. He glanced up at the other tom hopefully.
And show me how to be whole again.