[Insidious]

B L U E P A W

It was a privilege to be under Lions.tar’s instruction for the length of her apprenticeship. Not just a privilege, no - an immense honour. She could only assume how many apprentices would have loved to be in her position, for there was nothing more extraordinary than the realization that you had done something, anything to all, to catch the leader’s attention. However, Bluepaw was the last feline in the entire forest that would think to brag about it for even a second. Sure, it had been a little bit difficult for her to fall asleep the night of her apprenticeship, tossing and turning, knowing that she was Lions.tar’s apprentice. But no matter how exciting, she didn’t have the right to hold such a fact over the heads of her peers. If anyone ever asked how her training was going, she’d be sure to keep herself limited to the basics as to avoid making any of the other apprentices jealous. She never wanted anyone to feel like they were any lower than she was, or any less important. Sometimes, more frequently than it should have, it made her question whether or not she should ask for a new mentor. She certainly didn’t want to make Lions.tar think that he was an undesirable mentor, and she’d undoubtedly do everything in her power to highlight the extent of her respect for him - but she usually caught herself a moment before it was too late and convinced herself that this was an opportunity to cherish. She wasn’t supposed to be non-stop worrying about her former nursery mates anymore. Throughout one’s apprenticeship, they were supposed to be devoted to their training so that they could shape themselves into the best warrior that they could be. Although she had every intention of fulfilling Lions.tar’s expectations and making the entirety of TreeClan proud, she knew she’d sooner be exiled than have to stop worrying about those that she cared so deeply for.

Speaking of exiled . . .

The clan’s most recent tragedy had nearly slipped her mind. Grayowl, a tom-cat she had never spoken with but knew well enough by glance alone that he gave her the creeps, had been banished from the clan for the attempt on Willowfur’s life. To make matters worse: Willowfur wasn’t just some random TreeClan warrior, but his sister. Bluepaw nearly crawled out of her skin at the mere thought of ever trying to harm Pinkpaw. She loved her sister with every bone in her body, with every thought in her head, and with every ounce of her life that she dedicated to the pursuit of equality. If anyone ever tried to harm her, she couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’d do to protect her. If she ever tried to harm her, she’d very well exile herself without any need to involve Lions.tar. She couldn’t even begin to fathom what motives Grayowl possibly had for such an endeavor. All she knew, with complete and total certainty, was that the clan was much better off, and a heck of a lot safer, without him there. She could sleep a lot easier at night knowing that he wasn’t in the same camp. But she had thought about herself and Pinkpaw for this particular occasion enough. The two of them weren’t even at the receiving end of Grayowl’s threats, so it was selfish for her to be so self-absorbed and only concern herself with how she felt about it. Willowfur was the one she should be thinking about, and Lions.tar, too. After all, she knew - gossip traveled fast, even into the ears of kittens and apprentices sometimes - that Willowfur was special to their leader. He was likely having a harder time than most coping with the fact that he had nearly lost someone so important to him, let alone for the second time around.

It was with this in mind that the bluish-gray feline strode confidently towards the leader’s den, planning to get a moment alone with Lions.tar to talk before he had the chance to head out and find her, instead. She was always one to show initiative; it was one of her many admirable qualities, though she’d never openly claim to call them by such a thing. “Lions.tar?” The apprentice called out his name carefully, waiting to be welcomed inside before she invaded his space. It was only polite. “I know that it isn’t time for our lesson yet, but I wanted to stop by early and make sure that you’re okay? I know that Grayowl was exiled because of what he nearly did to Willowfur, and I’m glad that she pulled through. I . . . also know that she’s pretty important to you, so I guess I’m trying to say that if you need to talk about Grayowl, or get anything off of your chest, it’s what I’m here for.” She expected that Lions.tar had a number of other cats he’d go to before Bluepaw to talk about important matters like this, but she was willing to try anyways. She had always been there to help out Pinkpaw whenever she needed her loving sister, and that was never going to change, but Bluepaw had plans of branching out and offering her shoulder, and even sometimes her advice, to a broader extent of cats. She feared that she’d never be able to do enough to appease her kind soul.

[Fawn]

LIONSTAAR
48 Moons. Tom. TreeClan.

She had caught him finishing his morning wash, a bristly pink tongue sweeping over one of his large front paws before it was rubbed studiously over his face, Lionstaar surprised to see Bluepaw so early. Briefly mistaking her presence for eagerness to begin the day, Lionstaar's ears swiveled forward as a cat so young offered council and compassion to one so experienced as he. The strange sense of 'opposite day' did not pass him over, his whiskers twitching as he smiled, sharing some sort of private humor with no one but himself.
So this is what it sounds like to be approached and offered a listening ear. He had always been the one making such statements, and now here was Bluepaw, being responsible and forwardly supportive of her Clanmates above herself. It wasn't easy to listen to the problems of others, you had to remain open-hearted, patient and in some part, unbiased. Some cats simply enjoyed complaining, and then there were others who would need coaxing to unburden themselves.

It was important to know how to deal with all types.

"Thank you, Bluepaw." The golden tom gave his chest a few smoothing licks, his apprentice's words regarding Willowfur had not gone unnoticed; had he been so obvious about his affections for her that even a newly-made-apprentice had noticed, or was Bluepaw simply hyper-observant and concerned about the social ties between all of TreeClan's cats? Regarding her with a quiet, appraising eye, Lionst.ar smiled, even if Grayowl was the subject he wished to discuss - though perhaps not in the way she'd been imagining.

"What do you think of Grayowl? Both before and now." Even if mere mention of the heinous tom's name was enough to make his blood simmer beneath his coat, he would not avoid speaking of the tom when he chose to. While yes, a part of him would love to have Grayowl's name sink from the hearts and minds of the Clan until he was a nameless, faceless ghost story the elders didn't find exciting enough to share, Lionst.ar was also wary of turning his back to an enemy simply because they had been removed and prevented from causing further immediate harm.

He would check on Willowfur, after his conversation and training lesson with Bluepaw.

I wonder how Wor-- Gorsetail is fairing with her sister? Lions.tar had chosen Bluepaw personally for her intellectual personality, hoping to cultivate a thirst for knowledge and instill a compassion for feline kind in the she-cat without straying too far into the extremes. He knew a little of Bluepaw's life, of her taking good care of her sister Pinkpaw, who had been born 'unusual', and of Ebonykit and their father Nighthawk, who had passed on during the greencough outbreak.

He would, of course, extend the same gesture she had just done to him.

If Bluepaw should ever seek solace in a parental figure, Lionst.ar hoped she would come to trust him enough to be that kind of unhurried, supportive council she might need in absence of Nighthawk.

[Insidious]

B L U E P A W

As soon as the tomcat’s thank you reached her ears, a delicate smile tugged at the edges of her mouth, entering the leader’s den and settling a short distance away from him. She waited patiently for whatever was to come next, curious of what it was he’d end up wanting to discuss. She didn’t necessarily expect that it’d be anything of extreme importance, for she was just an apprentice, even if in some areas she had already proven herself to hold the skills and maturity of a warrior in their prime. Nevertheless, she had been preparing herself to listen, not to answer a question - there was a mild surprise itching to make her blue eyes widen or her ears flicker, but she did neither of the two, rather adept at maintaining a neutral facial expression at times such as this. She had gotten a lot of practice throughout the duration of her kit-hood: perfecting both the kindness of heart for her sister whenever she had required it, and masking neutralness over top of disappointment for her now deceased sister and living mother, doing everything in her power, even in her young age, to prevent the pair from attacking Pinkpaw with their verbal distaste. She supposed it made sense that the leader would be curious of his clan’s opinion on the newly exiled tomcat. Bluepaw had always been somewhat cautious when around the formerly ranked senior warrior, her blood having chilled a few degrees whenever in his proximity, though it had never been enough to have her believing that he was capable of murdering a clan mate - a sibling - for the simplistic sake of doing so. Although, in her mind, there was absolutely no reason good enough to make such an endeavor excusable . . . the part of her that always sought to see the good in even the darkest of hearts was convinced that it hadn’t occurred without purpose. When a heart didn’t have any good, much like in this case, she went out of her way to create some.

“Before, he had never given me a reason to think him dangerous. From as much into his life that I was able to see, which was quite limited, he was like any other senior warrior: he trained apprentices, hunted for the clan, and patrolled when such was asked of him.” Little did she know that Crimsonshadow had never actually been his apprentice. She had simply assumed the best of him: that he went out of his way to help other apprentices train outside of his lessons with Onyxpaw, sometimes doing the same for his two offspring, whom she frequently saw nearby. “Now, whenever he’s mentioned I find myself venturing into any memories of him I have, searching for something that I missed. Although I will never understand or support the attempt on the life of a sibling, I can’t help but be . . . reasonable? - Is that the right word? - In trying to uncover his purpose behind it.” She always caught herself thinking about Pinkpaw when she talked about this, unable to stop herself from worrying about her albino sibling. It opened Bluepaw’s eyes to the idea that this thing called danger wasn’t only existent in the other clans. It could sometimes be standing in the same camp. It was one thing being the enemy of one of your clan mates, but trying to kill them? She just didn’t understand. She couldn’t understand without him being here in the flesh, willing to explain. The workings of that exiled tomcat’s mind were undoubtedly among some of the most morbid; she could be nothing but glad that the clan had uncovered his wrongful intentions before it was too late.

“I guess I was more surprised by him than I was angry or disgusted. When he was exiled, so many of our clan mates jumped away and hissed at him - some even looked ready to attack him, or chase him out of the camp themselves. I was just curious as to why he did it. Why he didn’t look ashamed, and why he didn’t look like he regretted trying. I never looked at him, or saw him walking around, and thought to myself that he was capable of hurting a clan mate prior to that. If his goal was to make sure that he left this clan behind making every cat nervous of the cat beside their bed, I think on some level he managed to succeed.” Ever since the huge event in which Grayowl was exiled, Bluepaw was even more wary of Pinkpaw than usual. Although she had brought herself to trust Gorsetail with her sibling, she still couldn’t stop herself from hoping that she’d come back and still be alive. After all, she was alone with him when they trained. Willowfur had been, too. She had trusted him, too. Look where that nearly got her.

Dead.

“Something like that doesn’t just go away. Grayowl might not be here anymore, but the knowledge of what he tried to do stays. His family stays - it makes it hard to erase him.” The small she-cat shuffled in her seat, knowing that she was probably getting to the point of rambling, but assuming that her leader and mentor would likely just appreciate having the input. He had requested her opinion on the matter, and she had been more than happy to extend it. She had a lot of different thoughts on the topic, and she wanted to get all of them out of her system while she had the chance. Because, really, who else would go out of their way to ask her? “Do you think he’s really gone, though? I mean . . . do you think there’s any chance that he’ll try and come back to finish what he st.arted?” In the depths of her beautiful blue eyes, there was not worry for herself, but worry for those around her. An exile got him out of the camp, but cats could not be standing at every edge of their borders at all times. It’d be much too easy for someone like him, so adept at sculpting their face, sculpting their intentions, to get back. Grayowl had said something before he left the camp, meant for Lions.tar’s eyes alone. Everyone had been so caught up in the chaos - she didn’t even think Lions.tar had gotten the chance to see it - that it likely went straight over top of everybody’s head, which was probably what he wanted. Luckily, Bluepaw knew to pay attention. She knew better than to succumb to everybody else’s sense of havoc during something so important. She knew what he said, and it made her question all the more reasonable.

[Fawn]

Lionstar
48 Moons. TreeClan. Tom.

So this was the legacy Grayowl had left behind. Not Sootpaw and Mockingbird. Instead, the children of that tom were suspicion, fear and paranoia, accompanied by that sudden urge to look over one's shoulder to check if they weren't being watched. Preyed upon by a menace in charcoal fur.

Lionstar's tail almost lashed, but he caught himself just in time for only a twitch of the tip; the dark she-kitten before him was no ordinary pupil, and he could not allow his emotions to get the better of him, not when she was so observant and sponge-like. Though he felt certain she would form her own opinions no matter what answer he gave, the golden leader was aware of the influence his words and his choices held over not just Bluepaw, but everyone else in the Clan.

She would not be the last cat to ask him that question.

”Grayowl is likely in hiding. Do I believe him to be truly out of our fur?” He paused long enough to frown, having wrestled with showing a stronger sort of scowl. ”No. He will be back. But we must make the distinction between paranoia and healthy suspicion. Grayowl is worthy of wariness, but he is not worth having the Clan so shaken up because of the behaviors of one cat. Let's give him nothing to feel triumphant over, no small victory that can cause that foul tom to gloat.” Lionstar's voice was strong with conviction, both giving a say to his private thoughts on the matter as well as offering Bluepaw advice she can take with her and share with others, given her generous and sympathetic nature.

He would not see his Clan undone by so unworthy a foe; animosity from NightClan that would border on war was the proper sort of danger for this kind of reactions. Even the impossible threat of another forest fire.

But one cat?

Grayowl had done something NightClan's prejudices and loathing towards TreeClan could never do. He had convinced them to mistrust their own Clanmates, and that could settle in like a poison, infecting a great tree and causing the roots to wither and shrink until it toppled like so many bonds Grayowl's treason had unintentionally affected.

If one cat could threaten the ties that bind, than it would take another cat to make sure those bonds still held secure. Lionstar glanced down to Bluepaw, regarding her with an almost fatherly gaze, as if he were sharing a moment with a daughter and not just a young feline who's education he had entrusted himself with. She held so much potential at such a young age.

She could do great things. Good things, and it was exactly that sort of thing that TreeClan needed right now.

Goodness. Loyalty. The sense of familial affection and respect he expected his Clanmates to have for one another; these things had to be allowed to thrive, to be nurtured and given the opportunity to grow in spite of this recent insurgence.

There was no other 'Grayowl' hidden amongst TreeClan, of that he was certain. No other black bile in an otherwise healthy (and still recovering) Clan. Lionstar would have to do everything in his power to ensure that his family recognized this; despite anticipating a great deal of work and outreach needed to have words with each member of the Clan, Lionstar did not feel tired. He did not feel burdened with fixing the damage Grayowl had done; this was not something he had ever anticipated dealing with, but he did not shirk his duties or his pledge to TreeClan.

”There is something you must understand, Bluepaw.” A comforting lick on the ear accompanied these words, the golden tom continuing to speak as he straightened back into his seated position. ”Cats like Grayowl happen every once in a blue moon, and every time a creature with a skewed moral code comes into a Clan and does something unspeakable, there is shock and fear and pain. But for all the damage that's done, it isn't enough to destroy us. You still love your sister, and your sister still loves you, rather than fear one another. It makes others cling a little tighter to their loved ones, and reaffirm the belief that they are safe and supported. We'll have to make sure the cats in our lives remember this, won't we?” He gave her a small, trusting smile. ”Because if we can't even trust our own Clanmates, then we're hardly in a Clan at all.”
-----

748 Words.
Insidious

[Insidious]

B L U E P A W

Even though she hadn’t expected the Clan leader to lie to her by trying to convince her that Grayowl was a problem that they had completely dealt with through exile, it didn’t lessen the shivers that traveled up her tiny spine in having reassurance from Lionstar himself that the scary tomcat would return. She agreed with her leader completely. Someone like him didn’t deserve to have satisfaction in knowing that he had managed to rattle an entire Clan. However, it was one of those things in life that she knew to be easier said than done. Just knowing that Grayowl could be lurking in the shadows was enough to have her fur crawling with unease, almost giving in to the temptation to glance over her shoulder and make sure that he wasn’t sneaking up from behind.

No amount of fear in the world was enough to keep the kitten from straightening up, though. Some of the younger cats in her Clan looked up to her, this she knew with certainty. Back in the nursery, she was the one that solved conflicts and answered questions. She acted as a guiding light for the other kittens her age. Just in case they still secretly looked to her, even in their newly announced apprenticeships, she had to present herself with confidence and strength. It seemed like an awful lot of responsibility for someone so young to willingly take on, but she wouldn’t have it any other way. She enjoyed helping others - she liked to believe that it was what StarClan had planned for her to do all along when they brought her into this world. That they had made her Pinkpaw’s sister on purpose so that the albino she-kitten wouldn’t have to face the hardships of her life alone.

It was Lionstar’s words that had Bluepaw’s thoughts shifting towards the peculiarly pigmented she-kitten in the first place. She was thrilled that her leader had noticed how close the two siblings were to each other; such was visible with the slight upward tilt of her mouth when he mentioned it. There probably wasn’t a better example that he could’ve used. Grayowl had managed to wreak a lot of havoc upon those of TreeClan, but he would never be able to destroy the powerful relationships that had been built here. Pinkpaw meant more to her than the world. She would turn her back on TreeClan in the blink of an eye for her sister - she would follow her anywhere that this crazy life took her. Because no matter where it took her, it was never going to just be her. The two of them were a package deal. Pinkpaw could claim to understand the extent of Bluepaw’s protective instincts, but did she truly know how far they went? Did she know how easily Bluepaw would throw away the great life she was making for herself here in TreeClan for her?

The loyalty she felt for TreeClan was powerful. She loved her Clan, and she knew that she’d never be happier in her life than she was right now, serving as a to-be warrior under Lionstar’s instruction. But her loyalty to her younger sister would always come first. She hoped that Lionstar knew how important that loyalty was to his apprentice, because there wasn’t a thing in the universe that she wouldn’t trade if it meant Pinkpaw could be a little happier than she was.

There was nothing simple about being the sister of an albino. Perhaps Pinkpaw felt lucky to have Bluepaw in her life, but it was Bluepaw that ultimately felt like the lucky one. Through thick and thin, she was grateful to have the sister that she did.

“I trust my Clan mates with my life. There’s nothing Grayowl could do to change that.” Only with saying it aloud did the truth of such a statement dawn upon her. “I have faith in TreeClan’s strength. I believe that we’ll be able to recover with time, of course, from what Grayowl has left behind. When he comes back, we’ll be ready for him.” It was strange for such a small, innocent kitten to claim that she’d be ready to face someone as sadistic as the tomcat in question. There was nothing she’d be able to do against him alone, but that was precisely the point: she wasn’t alone. She was certain that TreeClan would stand together, as one, and be at each other’s defense when need be. Grayowl would need an army of his own if he had any hopes of successfully taking down this Clan, because by himself - just like he was, and just like he deserved to be after everything he had done - he had no fighting chance.

“Thank you for being honest with me, though.” She didn’t feel right disregarding her manners. It had been brave of the leader to share his true thoughts about Grayowl’s return with somebody so young and impressionable. He could have just as easily lied through his teeth to save Bluepaw the worry, but he hadn’t. She would make sure that he understood how much she appreciated that. “Anybody else probably would have just told me what they thought I wanted to hear: that Grayowl was out of our fur forever and never coming back to this Clan again.” But that was the last thing she wanted to hear if it wasn’t honest. She liked to think that others saw her as more than a mere apprentice, and instead as someone mature enough to handle the truth, no matter how severe or bitter it seemed.

Fawn

[Fawn]

Lionstar
48 Moons. TreeClan. Tom.

The strength of Bluepaw's courage warmed him; it felt validating, to know that cats like her still existed in the Clan. It wasn't to in some way diminish the strengths and loyalties of the cats he had grown up with, watched grow up, and followed the example of; it was more the fact that he could name only a pawful whose spirits burned quite as brightly as Bluepaw's. None were as young as she was, and perhaps that's one of the things that made her so special; she was mature far beyond her moons, and was already trying to tackle such herculean tasks all by herself, both friend and greatest protector of her sister, and wise council to any and every cat who proudly aligned themselves with TreeClan.

The edges of Lionstar's muzzle lifted; a smile. "Come on, Bluepaw. Let's check on our neighbors in the marshes." Though the topic of Grayowl had been a conversation worth having, Lionstar was not yet done probing his young apprentice's thoughts, curious about the way she viewed things, the way she viewed others - and the light she could shed on Pinkpaw's condition. When Pinkpaw had been born, pale and fragile-looking beside the deeper toned she-kittens in Mistfur's litter, Lionstar could recall some doubt over whether or not she could survive to see apprenticeship.

What further complicated things for young Pinkpaw was the peculiar shade of her eyes, an unnatural color and likely the harbinger for much of the looks and the whispers and the superstitions that would follow her wherever she went; if the sickness had not kept Lionstar so busy, he would have spoken to her much sooner. Perhaps the lack of parental support had been what drove Bluepaw to take such a protective role of her sister? Who could they have turned to for the affection and acceptance Pinkpaw must have suffered a deficiency of in their earliest moons?

"Tell me about your sister's condition. The sunlight hurts her eyes, doesn't it?"

As if to represent the general atmosphere of NightClan itself, the closer they came to the deer path, through the shallow marshes, the wetter it became underpaw; Lionstar's overly large paws left wide prints in the sodden, muddy earth as they walked, leaving a distinctive path behind them as though unconsciously marking the safest course through their territory.

[Insidious]

B L U E P A W

She had followed her leader in the direction of NightClan’s border without question, half-expecting that he’d wish to continue speaking about Grayowl. There was a limitless amount of things that they could discuss about the immoral tomcat, and talking about that limitless amount of things did somehow soften the damage that had been dealt to the soft, impressionable heart of an apprentice - yes, even she, the council of young and old alike, was prone to sometimes getting a little unnerved.

What she hadn’t been expecting was for Lionstar to inquire about her younger sister. She looked to him cautiously, eyes wide in fear that this conversation would soon be taking a turn for the worst. The last thing she ever wanted to do was argue with her leader, someone that had earned her unlimited respect, though she wouldn’t give it second thoughts should it prove that he had something disconsiderate to say about Pinkpaw.

Normally she would know better than to think her leader would ever stoop so low, but her sister was a topic she often did not discuss, for she was sensitive about others saying rude things about Pinkpaw, and it didn’t take a whole lot for her protective instincts to flare up and presume control.

“Yes. She can’t be outside for too long without the sun making her uncomfortable. Because of it, she never really got to play outside of the nursery with the other kits, so I stayed inside with her most of the time.” Anyone could tell her that Pinkpaw had gotten in the way of Bluepaw branching out and making friends, or in the way of her leading the normal, playful life of the standard kitten. Anyone who said this, however, would get a harsh glare in return and a rare glimpse of her temper. She believed that Pinkpaw had done nothing but make her life all the more perfect. It was unfair that her appearance made her so uneasy about the outdoors. How was she ever going to be able to be the same kind of apprentice that the rest of them were? If Bluepaw had to follow her around on all of her training sessions, standing on her hind legs and blocking the sun’s rays, she would do it. She would do anything if it meant her sister didn’t have to feel any pain, or any sensitivity in her eyes.

“It’s not going to effect her becoming a warrior with the rest of us, right?” Bluepaw didn’t want to receive her warrior name unless her sister was right beside her. She knew that her condition could potentially keep her from learning at the same pace as everybody else, but it wasn’t her fault that it would make her fall behind. If anything, it made her all the more deserving of becoming a warrior since she was brave enough to try and best what tried to slow her down. “I know some are going to think that her condition is going to be a setback in her training, but it isn’t her fault that she was born the way she was.”

Fawn

[Fawn]

Lionstar
48 Moons. TreeClan. Tom.

“It’s not going to effect her becoming a warrior with the rest of us, right?”

That was the question at the heart of it all, wasn't it? Aware of Bluepaw's habit of taking impassioned defense of her sister, Lionstar chose his next words carefully, his pace slowing so as not to outdistance his inquisitive pupil. "Given her condition, it's more than likely that she's going to become a warrior at a later date than you or the rest of your peers. This is not her fault, and it won't make her any less of a warrior, but cats have to learn at their own pace. Rushing them through, especially with a disability such as hers would be more disastrous than beneficial. Holding them back can be just as bad, if not worse."

As if in representation of their current topic, Lionstar was made to tread lightly over the murkier, marshier topography of TreeClan's territories as he approached the indistinct border, intending to mark it personally before they'd head for home.

"You will not want to hear this, Bluepaw, but I'm going to ask you not to delay your own training so that you can become a warrior at the same time as your sister. Staying in the nursery to keep Pinkpaw company because of the sunlight is an example of your willingness to sacrifice for the sake of your family. This isn't a negative trait, I'm not saying that what you did was wrong." Golden eyes sought and settled upon Bluepaw's intelligent gaze, wanting to make sure she understood the point he was building to. "Keeping close tabs on her is wonderful in theory, but perhaps, Bluepaw, you may be shading her a little too much? I don't want you to be her only companion, just as I do not want you to neglect your training for the sole sake of letting your sister keep up. Pinkpaw needed your love and your patient guidance during your kithood, but she should be allowed to flourish on her own as well. Not every type of tree grows at the same rate, but they all still grow nevertheless."

And it wouldn't be right for you to devote your life exclusively to another feline; you are young and you are so full of potential. Your devotion is worthy of my awe, but you deserve all the things you wish for Pinkpaw to have, and I cannot let you live a half-life. It was far from Lionstar's intention to make Bluepaw in some way feel guilty for how closely she had been at her sister's side, it was his simple desire to make her view things in the grander scheme of things, to really look at her relationship with her sister in a light that was not biased.

If Lionstar had been young and in her very same paws, he would have stubbornly done the same things Bluepaw had done, with the added action of mauling anyone that looked at his disadvantaged brother or sister as if they were unworthy. He understood her protectiveness. He understood her compassion. It was not for lack of getting it that Lionstar pointed these things out to her, it was purely to keep Bluepaw's best interests and Pinkpaw's best interests at the center of it all.

[Insidious]

B L U E P A W

How many cats were going to look at everything that she did for Pinkpaw and seek to point out what about it was negative? Gorsetail had been the first to do so when they had been discussing his relationship to Pinkpaw - strictly professional, which had done its part to ease some of her tension - and now her very own leader and mentor? Her ears flattened under the intense gold of his gaze, though more out of sadness than a need to stubbornly defend herself. She couldn't just wake up tomorrow and be a different cat entirely. All of her life, she had lived and breathed the protection of those around her. It stretched so much farther than her pure adoration of her sibling. Lionstar was right in saying that she would sacrifice herself, her own wants and her own needs, for Pinkpaw. She would do it in a heartbeat. But there was so much more to it than that.

There was a time when she would have even done it for Grayowl.

She would even do it for his two offspring, to whom she sympathized greatly for being at the receiving end of the Clan's lack of trust simply due to who their father was.

Anyone could tell her that she needed to start focusing more on herself. Anyone could tell her that Pinkpaw didn't need her as much as she used to. But it was also a matter of her needing Pinkpaw. Nobody would be able to understand how much her life revolved around being there for others. She was a sacrifice. Perhaps, in theory, she did it a little too much at times, but that was only because she loved it - to an extent, she believed that she needed it. One day it would undoubtedly be what struck her down for the last time and stole her final breaths away, but that was the kind of end most suited to her. She would be happy to know that she met her fate for the simplistic sake of keeping somebody else alive. Depressing as it was, she hoped others would come to understand that before it was too late. She would never be able to just focus on herself, and leap forward into the world at the rate she knew so well that she could if it meant leaving somebody else behind. She was the guiding light. She was the essence of goodwill; the heart of kindness.

If any of that changed, would she even be herself anymore?

"Nothing that you've said to me is wrong. I don't want you to think I don't appreciate that you're trying to look out for me, and for my sister." She admired everything that Lionstar did, and everything that he said. Under any other circumstance, she would have been drowning in her own happiness to get a piece of his advice. But even if he meant well with his words, she only saw what he wanted her to change - what she assumed everyone wanted her to change, with how frequently this particular topic had been brought to her attention lately. He was her leader, and she respected that his word was the law of the Clan. He could request that she not try and interfere with the pace of her training for the sake of receiving a warrior's name at her sister's side, and she would do it reluctantly, but do it all the same. However, no amount of authority was enough to tell her that an aspect of who she was was beginning to become too much. Equality was something that she believed in with every fibre of her being; she looked to that belief when others looked to StarClan.

Here, and now, she looked to him as her equal. She would admire him and appreciate his input no less, but she would not change for him. She couldn't.

"But everything you just said... That's who I am. That's what I've strived to do, to excel at doing, since I knew how to walk. Asking me to stop, or to do what I do to a lesser degree, is like asking someone to stop believing in StarClan, or to believe in it to a lesser degree." She didn't want to make her leader feel guilty for picking at such a wound. It was never her intention to make another suffer for their words and the weight that they carried into another's ears. But this was a point that she would prove to anyone that questioned what he was questioning right now. She wasn't afraid to stick up for what she believed in. "If I'm not there for Pinkpaw when she's falling behind, if I'm not there for Brokensong when she needs someone to be patient with her and listen to something other than another cat's words..." And suddenly, if it wasn't already clear to him, it showed how her longing to be there for those with disabilities was beyond the point of family. "Who will be?"

"Maybe Pinkpaw doesn't need me like she used to when we were kittens," Saying this aloud made her heart ache, but she wasn't going to feign oblivion to Lionstar's wisdom. "But I will always need her like that. It's who I am, even if others don't think who I am is as helpful as it used to be when I was younger."