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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2016 17:06:48 GMT -5
I'm looking for a place, I'm searching for a face, is anybody here I know?Isn't anyone trying to find me?
How long had she been standing at the border? The scent of RainClan was strange to her now, so pungent. It was strange, but it was also familiar, wreathed around her like a mother greeting their kit, comforting. Did she still smell like that? Would any cat even recognize her? Her thoughts flew to her family, to Rushpaw... no... he was surely a warrior now. She wondered what his name was. Her whiskers twitched with curiosity and pride warmed her as she thought about her brother, the warrior. She thought of Creamtail and Peachblossom, wondered if either of them had found mates, had kits. Did she have kin she didn't know about? She thought of her parents, Whitewater and Eelpebble.
Eelpebble had been such a good mother. She wondered how much her disappearance, Icepaw's disappearance, had hurt her. She wondered if she would ever forgive her, for breaking her promise, for disappearing. And Whitewater.... Her ears twitched uncertainly, remembering how he had shunned Icepaw for his deafness. She didn't feel right about missing him, when he had treated Icepaw so... coldly. And yet she did. She missed them all. And then she thought of the friends she had left behind. Would any of them remember her? Would they care? How much had she missed while she had been gone?
She thought of the Clan she had left, the belonging and love she had felt while she lived there as a kit, an apprentice. Her breath hitched in her throat with emotion, and she forced it back down. She had not felt like she belonged anywhere since she left. She had not felt that love. The mountains were nothing but lonely misery. And yet she could bring herself to take that first step, to cross the scentline back into her old territory. She thought of camp, surrounded by the camp stream, the gentle murmur of water that was always so beautiful and calming. Did she even remember where it was, how to get back to it? Could she find it on her own?
Feeling weak with emotion, she settled slowly into a sitting position after a quick glance at the sky. She sat beside a scraggly tree, so she had cover, but she wasn't about to let her guard down and take any chances. Despite how miserable her life had becomes, she had no desire for death. She was afraid of meeting Icepaw in StarClan, afraid of the accusatory look she was sure he would give her, that silent question in his eyes... why didn't you save me? And she had no desire to go to StarClan in the first place. They had taken Icepaw away, her innocent little brother. She swallowed hard, her pain and her anger, for she was certain he did not die a quick and painless death. She could still hear his pained shrieking echoing in her ears as the eagle carried him away.
She shuddered and bent to give her chest fur a few quick, reassuring licks. Fresh scent wafted on the breeze, thick RainClan scent. She lifted her head, ears swiveling, as she searched for the source of the scent. She stayed where she was, her heart thudding nervously. She did not rise, did want to seem at all threatening. She sat at border, beside the tree, her tail curled around her paws to keep it from twitching with her uncertainty, and waited as the scent grew stronger.
'Cause nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone.Won't somebody come take me home?
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Post by Fawn on Aug 7, 2016 20:51:33 GMT -5
And the world's gonna know your name, If anything positive could be said about this civil war, it was that at least the Purists were smaller in number than the loyalists. Russethawk didn't know if it was cowardice on the part of some of his Clanmates (and he hated thinking of them that way, it went against everything in his heart to be so suspicious), or if they truly were good cats deep down. And did disagreeing with Timberstar make the others bad cats?
Preventing Razorstar's successor from actually succeeding him was wrong, and if he hadn't known about Swanfeather's personal grudge against NightClan, he might've actually believed her when she'd said it was against StarClan's will. But from what he knew of StarClan—they'd liked Razorstar enough. Why would they reject Timberstar?
It was all a big tangled mess. Going on a patrol was a good way to relax, even if it was just a small two-cat patrol comprised of himself and Bitternwing, a fluffy, pretty brown tabby who would be the perfect target for harassment by the Purists, with her dual-Clan parentage.
He didn't spend as much time with her outside of duties as he probably would've if this mess hadn't started, but he appreciated her company. Bitternwing was a quiet, inobtrusive Clanmate to have, and though he often found himself the one initiating the conversations, he couldn't pretend she wasn't interesting to talk to. Especially when they got onto a subject that was of common interest to them both.
"How's Rushwhisker?" Russethawk asked, a hint of merriment in his emerald green eyes.
Bitternwing's yellow-green eyes found his, hers reflecting something between alarm and confusion. "He's doing well, I think? I haven't asked him in a while..."
"Really? I know you two have been spending more time together lately."
Her nervousness spoke volumes to Russethawk, and he felt a spark of joy for his former apprentice, glad to know the young warrior had someone on his side who would stay by his side through thick and through thin.
She was quiet, but she was compassionate. Surely Rushwhisker had noticed.
"Oh but that's just whenever he can't find you, or Frozenpaw needs a break from training. I wouldn't say we're spending that much time together." Bitternwing's ear tips twitched, and Russethawk easily detected the dismay in her voice.
Uh oh, she clearly believed her own excuses.
Russethawk laughed, and she gave him a confused expression.
"Sorry—Sorry, it's just a little funny, that's all. You really like him, don't you?"
He pivoted one ear back to catch her confirmation, but all he got was the very telling 'oh!' of her gasp and then the silence that followed.
"Is it... is it that obvious?"
Russethawk suppressed another laugh. "Sort of. I mean, you treat everybody well, but you seem to just... light up, whenever someone mentions Rushwhisker."
Bitternwing flushed beneath her pelt, the only hints of it being the quiver in her whiskers, the she-cat obviously embarrassed.
"I don't think anything's going to come of it, though."
Huh? Russethawk paused in his patrol, having finished scent-marking a tree.
"Why's that?"
Bitternwing froze, clearly grappling with a difficult subject—or maybe she didn't want to put her doubts into words? Russethawk wouldn't pretend to know what was going on in her head, he only put together what she unintentionally revealed.
"I just don't think he's ready for... anything more than friends."
Russethawk snorted. "Honestly? I don't think he'd know if he was. I can knock him around the ears a bit, maybe that'll put some sense into him?"
Bitternwing laughed—the sound was soft, just like everything else about her—hastily declaring that that wasn't necessary.
"Please don't. I don't want him to feel obligated to return my feelings. Or... or let me down easy." The she-cat winced as if she'd stepped on a dozen thorns.
There was a thing or two he would've liked to say about that, but a scent, peculiar yet familiar, hooked his senses like a talon, tugging him towards the borderline with an expression of bemusement. Do I know that smell?
Russethawk broke into a long, loping stride, Bitternwing rustling through the dry grasses to keep up with him. She didn't ask where he was going or why, she just followed.
A white-and-tabby figure sat a few foxlengths away, and Russethawk's heart nearly fell out of his chest, mouth agape with surprise. At first he'd thought it was Rushwhisker, but the markings were all wrong. And then he'd realized why they were all wrong.
It wasn't Rushwhisker at all. It was—
"Ashpaw? Is that really you?" He didn't believe it!
Bitternwing stared at the she-cat, coming to stand beside him, her nose twitching with curiosity. "Ashpaw? Ashpaw who?" And then it clicked.
Russethawk grinned. Yes, THAT Ashpaw! Where had she been? And where was Icepaw? He glanced around expectantly, as if Creamtail, Peachflower and Icepaw might come bounding out, the two oldest bickering about the heat while Icepaw romped around them, the whole family eager to get back to the brother they'd left behind. | | 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame | Word Count: 850 Words
Tags: @zen
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 0:14:21 GMT -5
I'm looking for a place, I'm searching for a face, is anybody here I know?Isn't anyone trying to find me?
As two cats appeared, drawing closer at an easy pace, she thought she recognized one. And then she was certain. "Ashpaw? Is that really you?" Russethawk. Her brother's mentor. She was on her paws before she knew it, losing her composure at the sight of a familiar face. “Russethawk!” She moved to meet him, a confusion of emotions churning in her belly. He recognized her. He hadn't forgotten her. She saw him look around, and her heart dropped, knowing exactly what he was looking for. She regained her composure, pushing down all those feelings she had no idea how to deal with right now.
“I'm alone,” she let the short phrase drop from her mouth, flat with her suppressed emotions. She would tell the entire Clan what she had done, how her actions had led to her brother's death, but she didn't wish to tell the tale more than she had to. The more cats she could tell at once, the better. Her blank gaze traveled to the she-cat standing beside Russethawk. She stared at her for a moment, trying to remember who she was, if she even knew. She couldn't place her, however, and decided she must not have known her.
She changed the subject before anyone could ask about Icepaw's whereabouts, looking back at Russethawk, “Rushpaw must be a warrior now. What is his name? I've been sitting here wondering....” Her heart wrenched at her next thought, “He is... he is still alive, isn't he?” She had no idea how she would handle the news of Rushpaw's death. It may be safer in a Clan, but that didn't mean there were no dangers. Clan cats still died, still had accidents, still got sick. To have lost both her brothers, her littermates... she wasn't sure she could take it. She might just turn and race right back into the mountains and never return. She could never go back to RainClan if they were both gone, with the constant reminder of their absence.
There were so many more questions she wanted to ask, about her parents, about Creamtail and Peachflower, about the cats she had once called friend. But she paced herself. Besides, she could ask her family such questions herself once she returned to camp, once she saw them again. Her ears flicked and she spoke slowly, each word dragging reluctantly out of her, for it was hard for her to admit, “I'm... not sure I remember how to get back to camp.” She glanced between the two of them, “I would like to see my family. I... need to tell everyone what happened....”
'Cause nothing's going right, and everything's a mess, and no one likes to be alone.Won't somebody come take me home?
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Post by Fawn on Aug 8, 2016 16:59:47 GMT -5
And the world's gonna know your name, Ashpaw was back! he could scarcely believe what he was seeing, yet when the scarred mountain cat spoke, her voice so different from how he remembered, he knew she could be no one else but Rushwhisker's sister.
"His name is Rushwhisker now. Follow us, we'll get you back to camp as soon as possible!" Though everything in him wanted to race back, shout for the tabby warrior that his sister had come home, Russethawk controlled himself. He didn't want to overwhelm her. He didn't want the whole Clan crowding her. Not the whole Clan, he realized, thinking of Whitewater. Maybe Rushwhisker would reach out to his father later.
"You don't know what this means to him," said Bitternwing after she gently licked Ashpaw's ear before falling into step beside her. "To have his sister back." All of them. What this means for all of them.
Russethawk's tail acted as a beacon, a focusing point for the two she-cats on their way to RainClan's camp, the reeds rustling as he ran right into the middle of it.
"Wait!" Cried Bitternwing, throwing her tail in front of Ashpaw to halt the loner's progress. "I don't know if you've seen very many cats since you left, so camp might be a little... overwhelming." Bitternwing smiled kindly, gesturing for Ashpaw to follow. "Come stand by the camp stream, Russethawk will bring Rushwhisker to you." Of that they could be sure of.
in the short trek back to camp, many things had flitted through the fluffy she-cat's mind, not the least of which being that RainClan's current situation was likely to be chaotic and overwhelming for Ashpaw. Second, that Rushwhisker would have to break the news about Eelpebble, Whitewater, Peachflower and Creamtail privately instead of in front of the whole Clan.
It was going to be an unbelievable day, and though the valley was short on water, it wouldn't be short on tears.
Russethawk made no attempts to disguise his glee as he darted into the well-shaded warriors den in search of Rushwhisker. He was calling the tom's name even as he discovered him in his nest, nudging him with both paws on his flank. "Wake up Rushwhisker! Your sister's back!"
Knowing nothing short of Icepaw materializing in front of him would get the young warrior up out of his nest faster, Russethawk hovered near the entrance, grinning. "Come on!"
| | 'Cause you burn with the brightest flame | Word Count: 405 Words
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2016 19:30:04 GMT -5
Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Rushwhisker. Her own whiskers twitched at the sound of his warrior name in her head. It seemed fitting, she supposed. It didn't infer any aggression, in fact it was downright passive, peaceful. She couldn't imagine him with a name like Rushclaw, something that might hint at an affinity for battle. He had never liked fighting. Russethawk set off, leading her back to camp... back home, perhaps. Her ears flicked uncertainly, guilt washing over her all over again. She should have tried to come back sooner, to tell everyone what happened sooner. Instead she had left everyone wondering. She imagined her actions had wasted plenty of cats' time while they searched for them, not wanting to give up until they had pursued every possible course of action. How long had they looked, she wondered? How long had they waited? How long had they clung to hope?
She was jolted out of her thoughts but the she-cat giving her a gentle lick before they both started after Russethawk. She looked at the fluffy warrioress curiously. She thought about asking her name, but she wasn't even certain she would remember it if she was told right now. There were too many thoughts rolling around in her head. She remained quiet and contemplative all the way back, taking in her surroundings as she went, glancing up at the sky every so often to keep a watch for eagles and hawks. Things started to become more familiar as they got closer to camp. She recognized things, places she had spent time with her family and friends. Russethawk disappeared into camp and she came to a sudden stop when his companion's tail blocked her way.
She blinked gratefully at her for her consideration. No, the most cats she had seen at once since she left was probably that group of four, that little family she had met and sheltered with one stormy night before moving on. She remembered how nostalgic it had felt, to be around a family like that. She followed the she-cat and frowned slightly and the narrow stream of water she stopped by. She remembered the camp stream being a lot bigger than that. Up in the mountains, the heat wasn't so noticeable, but the drought was. She had taken to waking up before the sun in order to lap up the morning dew before it was burned away. She wondered just how badly the valley had been affected. That must be why the river had seemed smaller than she thought it would be when she looked out over the valley before descending.
As Ashpaw sat beside the stream, lost in her own thoughts once more, Rushwhisker jerked awake as some cat nudged him, vaguely recognizing his name being called by a familiar voice. It sounded so urgent, he was pushing to his paws almost before he had woken up, looking around wildly for the emergency, “Huh? What?” His gaze focused on Russethawk and it took him a moment to register what he had said. ”Your sister is back!” What did he mean...? His heart seemed to stop for a moment, his eyes wide as Russethawk moved to lead him from the den. His sister... was back? Peachflower or Ashpaw? Surely Peachflower wouldn't have come back without Creamtail... but Ashpaw... he had assumed she was with Icepaw. Was Icepaw back? He raced out after his mentor, his heart thudding wildly. He looked around, assuming she would be sitting in camp, but Russethawk lead him on, just outside by the camp stream where a painfully familiar tabby and white furred she-cat sat with Bitternwing.
He stopped dead in his tracks at the shock of seeing her after so long. Concern clouded his eyes as he looked her over, noting the many scars covering her pelt. More slowly, he padded closer, his voice quiet and full of emotion, “Ashpaw...?”
Ashpaw looked over at the tom that approached, the same coloring as her brother, so much bigger, leaner, sleeker than she remembered him. He was far from the skinny little tom he had been the last time she had seen him. She stood slowly, her eyes softening as they hadn't in a long time, “Rushwhisker.”
He all but bounded to her, closing the last little distance between them and pressing his nose into her neck. She smelled so strange, so different than he remembered, and yet underneath it all, there was still something familiar there. His purr rumbled like thunder as he buried his face in her fur, “I thought you... I thought I would never see you again.”
She closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against him, “I'm sorry... I never meant to leave you.” She raised her head and he took a short step back to look at her, “Where's everyone else?” She glanced behind him, wondering what was taking them so long. Why would Russethawk only tell Rushwhisker she was back?
Rushwhisker's ears flicked back, “Everyone....” He realized she had no idea what had happened to their mother, to their father, but everyone.... “Peachflower and Creamtail never found you?”
She blinked at him, wondering why he had asked that, and then sharp claws tore into her heart, “They... they went looking for us?” And they had never come back either. She closed her eyes tightly. Had she killed them, as well? She sat heavily with the weight of this new burden, this whirlwind of guilt that sapped her strength. Rushwhisker was beside her, pressing against her, “I'm so sorry....” Three of her siblings were dead because of her. It was only Rushwhisker now. Just the two of them. She looked desperately up at him, “Eelpebble and Whitewater... they didn't go looking too, did they?”
Rushwhisker hesitated, but shook his head, his voice quiet so she wouldn't hear what he didn't say, “No... they're... still here.” He would have to tell her about their mother's decline and their father's... withdrawal. But not right now. He couldn't, not after she'd just learned about Creamtail and Peachflower. It was too much. Looking at her, he knew Icepaw was dead as well, or he would be here now, “How... how did Icepaw die?”
A shudder went through her and he settled beside her, lapping comfortingly at her fur. She thought about lying to him. She could say he fell, that he died in an instant, over as quickly as a heartbeat. She had left him all alone. She had taken all their siblings from him and left him alone here, how could she tell him of the awful way Icepaw had died? She choked on her words, “An eagle.” She buried her face in his shoulder as that terrible scene replayed in her mind, “It came out of nowhere.... We were trying to find our way home and suddenly there was this huge shadow and Icepaw....” She shuddered again, choking on a sob, “I wasn't paying any attention. It was all my fault. I found him, and then... and then I lost him.”
An eagle. Rushwhisker's blood ran cold at the thought, and he closed his eyes tightly against the reality of how his brother had died. It was not a peaceful death. It would not have been quick, and it would have been rich with pain. He pressed himself harder against Ashpaw. She had to see it. She had to watch it happen. He couldn't imagine how hard that would have been, how desperate and horrified she had felt, “It wasn't your fault. You were just an apprentice, Ashpaw.”
She shook her head where it was still buried in his shoulder, “Exactly... I was just a stupid apprentice. I was reckless and arrogant... I should never have gone after him, I should have woken up the warriors, he'd still be alive if I....”
He shook his head, though she couldn't see it, “I probably would have done the same thing, Ashpaw... but you noticed first. You noticed he was gone first. It wasn't your fault, I promise.” He looked to Russethawk and Bitternwing for help as she shook her head again. How was he supposed to convince her? She was in so much pain....
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
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Post by Fawn on Aug 11, 2016 8:22:50 GMT -5
21 Moons. RainClan. She-Cat. Bitternwing's heart wept for Ashpaw. She didn't know... Oh StarClan, grant her a little peace, please. Her tail and whiskers drooped, expression clearly feeling the agony of the siblings' bittersweet reunion. This was how it was for Bitternwing, always; she was very empathetic, and the pain of others very quickly became her pain, or she was able to understand it to the level that her own heart would ache for every injustice, every grievance, every cruelty the world saw fit to toss their way.
Rushwhisker's desperate look sent a ripple of alarm through her. What can I say? What can I DO? In this frazzled state, she could think of nothing, her body frozen as she tried to break her own emotional rigor mortis to console poor Ashpaw (which would in turn console Rushwhisker).
"Rushwhisker's right," mewed Russethawk, his voice the seldom-heard mixture of solemnity and conviction. "It wasn't your fault. No apprentice could take on an eagle, and Icepaw would never blame you for it."
Bitternwing looked gratefully at the ruddy warrior, who had stepped forward to give both siblings' ears a quick lick. It was the encouragement she needed, the fluffy she-cat breaking out of her despondency. "I know nothing I say will help ease the pain, Ashpaw, but I know what it's like to lose someone." Falconleap... A she-cat who should've been an important, defining figure in her life was gone before she ever truly knew her mother. If Bitternwing could go back in time and convince StarClan to spare Falconleap, she would in a tail-flick.
"I know you're mourning, but take some heart in knowing how much you matter to us. Rushwhisker—" A soft glance at the tabby tom, uncertain whether to share his feelings with Ashpaw, but she steeled herself and continued—"grieved for you for so long. To have even one sibling back is a blessing no cat thought would happen. Welcome home, Ashpaw, we missed you dearly."
And maybe this will help Eelpebble. Maybe this will ease some of the queen's pain.
Bitternwing hoped so. With the full force of her heart, she desperately hoped that would be the case. Or would it give Eelpebble false hope, that the rest of her kits would return to her? And they would have to explain what befell Icepaw...
The fluffy she-cat laid her soft, downy head on Ashpaw's back, beginning a low, quiet sort of purr. It was a gesture meant to soothe, not to convey happiness (though she felt conflicting amounts of both at the moment).
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Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2016 23:37:57 GMT -5
I have changed, I have changed, just like you, just like you...
It had been so very long since the last time she had fallen apart, had allowed herself show any semblance of vulnerability. With her face buried in her brother's fur, she trembled as she tried to regain control. She hated this, hated that others were seeing her like this, especially Rushwhisker. Always she had wanted to be strong, to protect her family, and here she had broken down and it was Rushwhisker trying to comfort her, after she had failed so terribly at the one thing that meant the most to her in the world. She didn't deserve his comfort or his compassion. But that's what family did, wasn't it? They forgave and they welcomed you home. Her throat tightened with the threat of another sob, but she forced her emotions back.
She looked up as Russethawk spoke, agreeing with her brother. Would Icepaw have blamed her? Probably not. Her deaf brother may never have spoken, but he was always so loving.... She wondered if StarClan would have given him his hearing when he joined them, then her ears flicked dismissively. If StarClan was cruel enough to take him from her the way they did, then they certainly wouldn't be kind enough to give her brother his hearing. Still, he couldn't imagine him hating her from StarClan for what happened, even if she hated herself for it. Russethawk's tongue rasped over her ear and she fought not to pull away, remembering how Bitternwing had done the same thing earlier. It was strange to have contact like that again.
The logical side of her knew that what both toms said was true, but the part of her that had promised to protect Icepaw and failed just couldn't seem to let it go. Her gaze shifted to Bitternwing as the she-cat lent her own voice to the conversation. She glanced at Rushwhisker, their eyes meeting and for the first time, she saw just how much he had aged within them. They had both shouldered heavy grief, but they were both still here, still alive, and now, they were together. Welcome home, Bitternwing said, and Rushwhisker gave her a small smile, his eyes lighting up, “I'm so happy you're back, Ashpaw. It means so much to me. It was so hard not knowing what happened to you, to Icepaw.... Even though what happened to him is awful, at least I know now... I know he's safe in StarClan, and you're safe, and home.”
She had looked away as he mentioned StarClan again. She had forgotten how pervasive StarClan was in Clan life. She knew they existed, because where else could a leader's nine lives come from, and the signs medicine cats got about things that had yet to happen? And yet her faith in them had been shaken to the core that day she watched Icepaw disappear into the sky. They should have protected him. He was innocent, they were heading home. If they could give cats nine lives, they could protect one deaf apprentice from an eagle. And they hadn't. She shook her head slightly as a soft purr rumbled over her back, jolting her from her thoughts, and she realized it was Bitternwing. For some reason she didn't seem to mind contact with the she-cat too much. She didn't make her flinch away, become defensive, like most cats did.
For a long moment she stared at her forepaws, finally closing her eyes. Home. It had been so long since she had had one, but even though it had been seasons since she had been here, it felt right. It felt home. She never wanted to leave it again. “Thank you... all of you,” she looked at each one of them, feeling her mood lighten, even if she still felt the heaviness of the guilt she could not release. Rushwhisker purred softly beside her, leaning against her. The thought of returning to the mountains alone made her want to dig her claws into the dry earth and never let go. It was time to move on. Rushwhisker had lost three of his siblings because of her, and she would never leave him again. She looked again at Bitternwing, “I'm sorry I haven't asked yet... but... what's your name? I don't think I know you... or knew you... before....”
I'm still alive, I'm still alive, I cannot apologize, no....
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Post by Fawn on Aug 15, 2016 21:15:43 GMT -5
21 Moons. RainClan. She-Cat. "Bitternwing," she answered gently, relieved to see that Ashpaw was... coming to terms with ... well, so much. "I was only a kit when you left." It wasn't high on her list of things to do, to remind Rushwhisker that she was a couple moons younger than him (all the more reason to overlook her, especially when Bluejay was probably his age), but honesty had always sat well with her. Bitternwing wouldn't dare lie or twist the truth to Ashpaw, let alone any cat.
"And don't worry," said the fluffy she-cat. "You'll have plenty of time to get to know me, get to know all of us—" a glance at Russethawk saw him nodding encouragingly—"now that you're back. You can have some of the moss from my nest, if you'd like. This Greenleaf has left our territory a little drier than we'd like." With that offer extended, Bitternwing glanced back towards camp, already picturing the astonishment of their Clanmates at seeing Ashpaw return to them.
Bitternwing would do her best to control the crowd, though she would much prefer Bluewave get a handle on the situation. She really wasn't a good fit for... calming down large groups of cats or organizing things.
Russethawk seemed to have read her mind. "I'll go tell Bluewave you've come back. Sorry but there will probably be quite a crowd either way. If you get overwhelmed, just let me or Rushwhisker know—we'll give you some breathing room." The ruddy tom smiled and departed quickly, making a beeline for RainClan's deputy.
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