[Fate Admin]

Wash the sorrow from off my skin...

---

Rushwhisker was very aware of the fact that he had been a horrible Clanmate, a horrible friend. It was all he could bear to spend time with his mother, to give her some peace of mind that he, at least, was still here, still with her in RainClan. He allowed her to fuss over him, he spent time sharing tongues with her and letting her question him about his day. His father usually kept close to her when he wasn’t around, but the moment he appeared, the older tom would leave. He understood exactly what his father was doing, the older tom as afraid of losing his only remaining kit as his mate was. But while his mother was coping by clinging harder to her son, is father was pushing him away, distancing himself as if expecting to lose him as well and not wanting to feel anymore when it finally happened. Rushwhisker was doing the exact same thing to everyone else he cared about. And if his father’s distance wounded him, as it did, then he had to imagine his distance was wounding his Clanmates, and it just wasn’t fair to them.

His talk with Bluepaw had done him a lot of good. Just thinking about her had his mood lifting. She seemed to understand him better than anyone else ever had, going through the unique experience of growing up with a disabled littermate as she was. The disabilities might be different, but the feelings they each had about it were very similar. She had reminded him what he was doing, that there were still cats in RainClan, beyond his family, that cared about him and would much rather see him smile than continue on in this depressive state, cats he might be hurting by pushing them away, too afraid to lose them, to hurt anymore, to invest any amount of feeling or care toward them. He couldn’t live this way. It wasn’t fair to anyone. Somehow he had to reconcile the hope and the grief he had warring within him over his lost siblings and set it aside for the cats that still surrounded him, living, breathing, feeling cats that he was neglecting for an uncertainty.

It was with these thoughts in mind that he forced himself to his paws and toward the familiar form of his mentor. Russethawk had done a lot to help him through Icekit and Ashkit’s disappearances, but after his older siblings disappeared as well it had only ripped open those old wounds, made them fresh again and topped them with more pain, and he hadn’t been able to handle it. He had not even wanted Russethawk’s support, as lost as he had been… as he very well still might be. He had begun to distance himself from the red furred warrior then, as he neared warriorhood himself, and since he had received his warrior name he had not sought out his former mentor once. He had been too afraid that if he allowed himself to care too much about the tom that had been so influential to him as he learned what it meant to be a warrior of RainClan that he would lose him too, and he just didn’t know if he could handle that pain again.

He neared the older tom and ducked his head a bit, “Russethawk…?” He paused briefly, trying to decide what he would say. It had been a long time since he’d actually had any real conversation with his mentor. His gaze narrowed slightly as he glanced down at his paws shamefully at the thought. He didn’t want to do this to his Clanmates anymore. “I’m… can we… talk? Maybe take a walk… hunt a little….” He wasn’t normally so hesitant, so unsure of himself, but he felt as if he had done a great wrong to Russethawk, pushing him away as he had, and he just wanted to make things better between them, to repair the damage he’d caused. He glanced up at the other tom hopefully.

---

And show me how to be whole again.

[Fawn]

Russethawk
24 Moons || Tom || RainClan || Warrior

Russethawk's relationship with Rushwhisker wasn't necessarily anything to brag about; if being pressed for honesty, he would admit that it hadn't gone exactly as planned. In the early moons, before tragedy had robbed the younger tom of much of his happiness and sense of purpose, he and Rushwhisker got along in an almost brotherly fashion. He had enjoyed being a teacher, instructing a cat so full of potential to follow in the pawsteps of a warrior, to settle into his niche within RainClan until it became Rushwhisker's turn to start mentoring.

Then, like an icy flood in leafbare, sections of the tabby tom's world were washed away without a trace, only a deep sense of what Russethawk could only imagine was grief, anxiety and nothing but raw stress over never knowing the truth. Icekit. Ashkit. Peachflower. Creamtail. It was awful in the deepest sense of the word, and Russethawk had done his best to both give his support as well as his space, wanting for his pupil to know that he would be there for him in his time of need without smothering him. Without intruding upon the grief that had overwhelmed him, then.

But perhaps maybe he should've? Their relationship had gone into a steady decline since then, with Rushwhisker distancing himself not just from Russethawk, but from everyone around him as well; it tightened and stung his heart to see the emotionally broken warrior pulling away like that, and what with the arrival of a leafbare drenched in greencough and punctuated by weak, wheezing cats and lost lives, there had simply been no time to mend what he worried was permanently lost. Lying in the shade after a morning spent fishing, Russethawk had been gathering his strength for the oncoming sunhigh when a familiar shape blocked his view of the encampment; the ruddy tom's ears pricked forward, feeling a jolt of excitement course through his blood.

”Sure, I could do with a walk.” Already up on his paws again before he'd finished speaking, he gave a toss of his coat, ruddy fur shifting over the smooth muscle as he moved in the direction of the camp exit, not getting too far ahead at all. Rushwhisker had been the one to reach out and request his presence, Russethawk felt it best to let the younger warrior take the lead and walk wherever he wanted them to walk. He'd follow and listen – or follow and talk. Whatever. A low hollow pang in his heart made a shadow flicker across an emerald gaze. What if he's trying to tell me he's going to search for his siblings? Though the weather had changed for the better, the idea of Rushwhisker going off alone in search of something he may never actually find just didn't sit right with him. Going with his former pupil seemed like the obvious, righteous thing to do, but now that the Clan was starting to fully recover from the sickness and Razorstar would need all the support he could get in the early stages of his leadership, was now the best time to just drop everything?

And Lilystream... She needed him too.

[Fate Admin]

Wash the sorrow from off my skin…

---

Rushwhisker nodded briefly as Russethawk agreed to go with him. He led the other tom, only a step or two ahead, out of camp, unsure where exactly to go. He let his paws take him and Russethawk where they would, too preoccupied trying to formulate the right words in his mind to pay much attention to where they ended up. It didn’t really matter where they went, so long as Russethawk was there with him so that he could begin to fix what he’d broken between them. He glanced back at his mentor, for he would always think of Russethawk as his mentor, there would never be anything ‘former’ about it, and paused. He forced himself to meet Russethawk’s eyes and took a deep breath, “I’ve been a really awful Clanmate.” His gaze dropped to his paws then, his ears flicking backward.

“I never wanted…,” he shook his head lightly, his tone pained, “I don’t want to lose anyone else…. I don’t want to be the cause of losing anyone else.” He was very aware that the life of a warrior wasn’t an easy one, and to say he didn’t want to lose anyone else made little difference to the fact that it was bound to happen. Though he didn’t think he could handle losing another cat the way he’d lost his siblings. Seeing someone he cared about dead at his paws would be easier to bear than never knowing their fate. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been such a fishbrain. I just… didn’t want….” He closed his eyes briefly, “I didn’t want to ever feel like this ever again…. I still don’t, but… this isn’t the way.” He finally looked back up, “I hope you can forgive me….”

He shuffled his paws, “I’m trying to be better… for everyone. If I just kept pushing everyone away, I might as well not even be here. I might as well have disappeared like… like they did…,” her ears flicked back again, briefly, but then there was a hint of a new determination in his eyes, “But I’m still here.” The finality in his tone suggested nothing more than that he was staying where he was, with RainClan, and nothing was going to change that. “RainClan deserves better from me than what I’ve been giving.” While his warrior duties had hardly suffered, quite the opposite for he had thrown himself into them in order to distract himself from cruel realities, his relationship with his Clanmates had come to a screeching halt. There was more to being a member of a Clan than hunting and patrolling. “You deserve better from me.”

---

And show me how to be whole again.

[Fawn]

Russethawk
24 Moons || Tom || RainClan || Warrior

"Don't scratch yourself up about it," the ruddy tom mewed instantly, feeling a warm sort of relief over Rushwhisker's desire to 'rejoin' his Clan and reach out to those he'd been trying so hard to push away. "I forgive you, and so will everyone else. I'm glad you came over to talk to me." As if his paws had known where to go even before his mind had come up with a location, Russethawk's whiskers twitched with familiarity, aware of the stale scent of Lilystream and himself here by the river - back when he'd asked her to meet him out here. She had been coping with breathtaking loss, just as Rushwhisker had, and he had come up with something that would be of help to not just her, but to Rushwhisker as well, he realized.

"Let me show you something. It might not be the solution you want, but it... It should help." Sympathy flashed across emerald eyes, a flick of the tail as a gesture for his former apprentice to follow, and he led the way through the cluster of willow trees, guided by scent to the familiar worn bark made distinctive by the peculiar claw marks across it. Turning slowly, he faced the young warrior, feeling a tad sorry that if ever asked to describe Rushwhisker to anycat, he would have focused on the losses suffered and the days spent in surly, despondent grief - not the brave, intelligent warrior he knew Rushwhisker to be. He felt sorry that Rushwhisker's sorrow was defining him so much.

Though the other tom may not have known just how deeply Russethawk understood him and acknowledged the agony the younger tom had suffered through, it was clear in the emerald gaze that laid over the willow bark, and in the voice that spoke out in explanation of the claw-marks that he too, knew the knife-sharp pain of loss. "Lilystream and I marked this tree with the ones we've lost, as a way to always remember them without letting our grief get the best of us." A dark red paw lifted and gestured to two scratches put there by the ruddy warrior. "Snoweye and Brookrun." Russethawk glanced back to his former apprentice, nudging a sharp stone out of the grass where he'd laid it down after Lilystream had used it. "You may never find out what happened to them, but this way they'll never be forgotten." The tightness in his throat returned, Russethawk drawing in a deep, immediate, steadying breath that was meant to fortify his nerves and hold onto the strength he'd struggled so hard to achieve after the river had swept away his loved ones.

It was as Rushwhisker had put it. I’m still here. and he would carry on for as long as there was life left in his body.

[Fate Admin]

Rushwhisker felt a certain amount of tension leave him as Russethawk so easily forgave him. He hoped the rest of his Clanmates might be so forgiving, though he wouldn’t blame them if they weren’t. Perhaps he was being too hard on himself about it, the thought crossed his mind, but he shook his head. There was no reason he should have treated his Clanmates the way he had been treating them.

Russethawk fell into the lead almost without his noticing, and he gladly followed. He wove through the trailing willow branches as they found themselves near the Willow Stream, enjoying the gentle caress of the leaves as they passed through. The Willow Stream was a favorite place of many RainClan cats for the peace and beauty of it, and Rushwhisker was no exception. He wondered if Bluepaw would like it here, and his ears flicked back uncertainly as to where that thought had come from. She was a TreeClan apprentice, not someone he should be thinking about giving a tour of his territory.

Russethawk’s voice brought him back from his thoughts and he refocused on the older tom as they came to a stop in front of one particular willow, scratch marks marring its bark. He stared at the marks as his mentor explained them and his ears folded back. His gaze dropped to his paws. It wasn’t the same. The ones Russethawk and Lilystream had lost were dead. There was no hope of them ever coming back. The uncertainty was what had driven him to this precarious state. He would have moved on long ago if he could just know without a doubt that they were gone, that they resided peacefully in StarClan. But how could he ever know until it was his turn to join his ancestors? And he was in no hurry to do so, to be sure… he just wanted to know the fate of his siblings, that was all. However unlikely, there was still a chance they were out there somewhere, and until proven otherwise he would never give up on the hope that they were still alive.

He stared up at the scratch marks again, for a long silent moment vehemently against adding his own marks to the bark for his siblings. They might not be dead. How could he add marks for them… it would be like giving up on them. But as he stared at the marks Russethawk’s words sank in. “As a way to always remember them without letting our grief get the best of us." He raised his paw to rest it over the bark, hesitant. The willow could carry his uncertainty and his despair. That was the purpose, to transfer those feelings to the tree so that one could be at peace without forgetting, or in his case, without giving up. Whether his siblings were dead or alive… the willow could keep their memory. Even if they were alive, it didn’t mean they would return to the Clan. Either way, their memory deserved preserving.

The more he thought about it, the more he was able to let go of the feelings thoughts of them brought up within him. He lowered his paw and turned to take the stone Russethawk had revealed, scraping away a mark for each of his four siblings. The willow would hold all of his feelings for him, he could come here to see them… to remember and allow those feelings back in, because denying them was not an option… but when he left, he could leave them here and focus on life, on living for each of his siblings and for his Clan. Finally he set the stone down and took a step back, looking over the four new marks. He turned rather abruptly to Russethawk and pushed his head again his mentor’s shoulder affectionately, his voice choked with emotion, “Thank you.”